An Open Letter to Parents, Teachers & Administrators Now That School Is Officially Closed
So Now What? : Education During a Pandemic
Parents, Educators and School Administrators are beginning to realize that this isn’t a break or a blizzard. Many of them are hitting the ground running, some are laying as low as possible this week and hoping things will settle, a few are immobilized. And every teacher I know or talk to is trying to figure out a strategies. Teachers, you know it is true: You LOVE strategies. And I love you for it. But these are strange times, and if your strategies or lack of them are making you feel stuck, maybe some of this will help. I have my two cents and then a list of resources for you.
First, my two cents, based on working in special education, public education, higher education and clinically over the past 25 years. The most important thing right now for kids right now is to stay calm, connected and establish new flexible routines at home. No homework packets, no busy work to keep them “occupied.” As tempting as this may be to administrators, educators and parents, that does not really lend to good learning, in fact it is this adherence to the status quo that partly got us into this problem to begin with.
- Play is OK. There is a wealth of research out there on the benefits of physical and digital play on cognition, visuospatiomotor skills, social emotional learning, and more. Allowing kids to engage in stress-relieving fun will make them better learners, keep them in contact with their peers, & feel mastery at a time when all of us are feeling little.
- Look for the embedded learning in the activity. This is different than trying to structure learning too much. When you are able to focus on your child between other things you are doing as a parent or online educator, try to identify what learning is happening with the play activity and maybe share it when the child is done. I say maybe because first and foremost this is for you to reassure you and calm your anxiety that your child or student is falling behind and will end up living in a cardboard box on the highway because they are playing Portal 2 rather than doing math sheets. Instead, watch the game a bit, and ask yourselves, are there things about physics embedded in the game? Does Plants Vs. Zombies have an opportunity to discuss task planning, sequencing, or math skills (hint, it does: all of the above.) Try to see the things that kids are always learning in play. Now don’t interrupt and ruin it.
Ok, I know that’s not enough for many of you. So here’s a list of some things educational innovators are offering for parents, kids and schools as resources for online learning:
From Continuity with Care to Zoom Memes for Self Quaranteens–My Internet Responds to COVID-19
Parenting (in RL) during a pandemic
Resources For Teaching and Learning During This Period of Social Distancing
THE COLLECTION :Explore thousands of artworks in the museum’s wide-ranging collection—from our world-renowned icons to lesser-known gems from every corner of the globe—as well as our books, writings, reference materials, and other resources.
Coping With COVID19: Advice for Parents & Educators
Brown Center Chalkboard (Ed policy thinking)
Invitation: Continuity with Care During COVID-19: Curation & Conversation (Curated and Crowdsourced Teaching Tips)
Kind Words: Lo fi chill beats to write to
Creating Educational Experiences through Narrative in Minecraft with Stephen Reid
Educators can also join one of my free Zoom groups (download free software at (http://zoom.us )
Thursdays 3-4 EST
COVID19 Educator Support: Not tech support. This meeting is to provide psychoeducation and collegial support for educators adjusting their teaching to COVID19
Meeting ID: 906-040-691
Password: 02554
Coping With COVID19: Advice for Parents & Educators
As anticipated, I’ve begun to receive a few communications from therapists, parents and educators about the social distancing impact on them and their children. The first question I get usually is something like “I’m worried about my kid playing too much video games, should I be setting limits on this with them?” I’m going to give you an answer that you may not want to here, but may actually improve mental health.
First, as I mentioned earlier this week, we are all going through an adjustment reaction to a rapidly emerging situation that is impacting everyone you know at the same time. This alone is rare in that usually some of us are not dealing with psychological upheaval when some others are. But this time, whether you are denying, minimizing, remaining guardedly calm, scared, or overreacting, you too are on the same continuum that we all are. So welcome. 😊
Local governments and schools, comprised of similarly recalibrating individuals are doing what they can to get ready for the wave of shut-downs, and this includes for many teachers and kids a break for 2 or more weeks and then perhaps online learning. Many workplaces are closing and reducing hours, which means that families are about to spend more time together in closer quarters with less emotional and financial resources than usual.
So, what can you do?
Here are my suggestions which are based on my work, research and thinking about psychology and technology over the past 25 years:
- Focus on social distancing (skip ahead if you already have embraced this idea.) This is the most important way we have to #FlattentheCurve and mitigate against higher more rapid infectivity. As has been written at https://staythefuckhome.com/sfw/ the concept of self-quarantine works to mitigate the spread of infectious diseases. We have known this since the 1400s. This is hard on social creatures, and can start to evoke guilt in caregivers. Compassionate ideas like visiting elderly shut-ins in person; babysitting groups and play-dates; local support gatherings are all bad ideas when it comes to a pandemic.
- Anticipate but don’t panic. It is very likely that more disturbing information and misinformation will happen in the next several days. If you note the way COVID19 is trending things are going to worse and scarier pretty quickly. Remember this is happening at a pace that is quicker than you may be used to and be prepared to change your mind and recalibrate family rules and limits much more rapidly and often. Be prepared to say, “I know I said X but now that I have more information it is Y, and I’m sorry that we keep changing the rules on you. Building that understanding with your child that things are moving quickly is part of the overarching message “I love you, I’m listening and I’m going to keep you safe.”
- Let kids play their games. I have mentioned elsewhere and will include below several posts debunking the common misconceptions that demonize video games. But here let me put it a different way: 2 or more weeks is a long time to be in your home nonstop with your children in a state of embattlement. Video games are a great way to practice social distancing: Kids can talk with their friends online, escape the heightened stress at home or in our communities, and feel a sense of being in control of something. It also provides you with the respite you know you are going to need after a couple of days. Lift restrictions if your authoritative parenting style can handle it. One exception here is helping kids build in 5 minute movement breaks every 45 minutes or so.
- Try to see it from their point of view. No matter how much your child or teen loves you, they are used to having several hours a day away from you too. Like you, they find being distracted from family life by work and friends reinvigorating, so please don’t frame this as an opportunity for more quality time. It’s disingenuous and sets everyone up to feel like a failure when the reality of quarantine sets in. Of course if they are open to spend time with you, accept the invitation as they deliver it: Now may be the perfect time for you to finally learn how to play Fortnite with them.
- No, YOU go outside and play. Often parents find themselves exhorting kids to go outside when they are secretly yearning for escape themselves. If your child can be left alone safely for a bit, go outside and take a walk, get some fresh air and calm down. You already believe that exercise will do you good, so focus on the one you can control, you! Of course, if your family walks/hikes/runs together and you are not looking for alone time, definitely invite them along with you.
- Get in the habit of zooming, calling, texting with others regularly. Your kids may be experts at this, but older family members may need help with the habit or technology. Or you might. Learn how to use Zoom, which is being offered for free for most kids. Call and help other folks learn how to set it up and test drive it. This week is the week to get practice before things get more hectic.
- Practice mindfulness games and meditation when possible. My colleague Chris Willard has some excellent suggestions on this here. Don’t force kids to do this though, as it will turn them off. If anything, trust that if they are intently playing a video game they may be engaging in a form of concentration meditation which isn’t bad either.
- Confront and redirect the inadvertent demonization of touch. This one is huge. This past week many have become acutely aware of how often they touch their face, or others without asking permission. To control the spread of infection this is crucial, and yet we need to also resist the urge to begin to perceive touch as unnecessary or lethal. Touch and reaching is a part of healthy infant development (Beebee, 2016.) It plays a significant role in focusing attention and attachment security in adolescence (Ito-Jager, 2017.) Children need to touch themselves as part of learning motor imagery (Conson, 2011) body ownership (Hara, 2015) and the assembly of “self” (Salomon, 2017.) Research has shown that adolescents in America already touch each other less and are more aggressive to peers than in another country sampled (Field, 1999); and for all of us touch quite probably helps us with emotional self-regulation (Grunwald, 2014.) Self-touch is a cornerstone of mindfulness and compassion meditation practices. Practice everyday precautions while at the same time but remember that touch is necessary for basic neurological and psychological well-being. Find adaptive ways to continue giving yourselves touch so we do not become a planetwide Harlow monkey experiment.
- Special note to educators: Relax your curriculum and pedagogy. Please push back on your administrators on this one. You are all home because there is a global pandemic with all its increased stress and uncertainty; this is not a snow day or break. Kids should be focused on social connection, play and reduced stress. You aren’t going to hit your benchmarks this semester. There, someone finally said it. You can encourage your parents to read to kids, spend more time together, offer fun reading lists or math sites, but please let go of your own overarching expectations and resist any arbitrary ones placed on you as much as possible. If someone starts talking about lesson plans, say “this is a pandemic.” If someone starts talking about kids’ grades, say, “this is a pandemic.” Part of your job as an educator is to educate kids and their families about adjusting in reaction to events, I’m sorry you got stuck with this event, but there you have it.
- Pick one or two trusted sources to keep yourself and your kids informed. Two much information overloads kids and adults alike. Most of us don’t need to know what JCPenney or Walmart have to say about COVID19. On the other hand, I have found the info from Harvard very helpful. The Joan Ganz Cooney Center has some great thinking and writing for education and child development. Your Teen Magazine is very accessible to parents. Dr. Kristin Moffitt from Boston Children’s has a short but useful interview on how to talk to your kids about COVID19
If after all that you are STILL focused on screen time, please check out these items for your consideration:
- Yeah? Tell That to Squirtle: The Fallacy of “Screen Time”
- Dopey About Dopamine: Video Games, Drugs, & Addiction
- Improving Our Aim: A Psychotherapist’s Take On Video Games & Violence
- The Internet & Real Relationships
- 10 Nonviolent Video Games
- Innovation is Dangerous & Gaming Causes Asperger’s
- Finally! A Mindfulness Approach to Video Games for Play-Based Social-Emotional Learning, Just in Time for the Holidays
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Streaming, Path of Exile & The Repetition Compulsion
As many of you know I have begun streaming. My goal in doing this is to both have some fun, and reach a wider audience when talking about psychodynamic concepts. This is my latest attempt, in which I talk about the Repetition Compulsion in terms of farming for a unique sword in the game Path of Exile. Keep in mind that the conversation about the repetition compulsion during the stream if for a general audience, and should not be substituted for seeking out medical advice or a mental health professional. My hope is that you’ll share it with the gamers in your life, therapy practice, class, etc. And of course if you sign up to follow my Twitch channel I’d be delighted!
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Can’t We All Just Game Along?
I had a powerful reminder about the prosocial nature of video games this week, and it was nowhere near a console screen. I was on my way home and ran into a Dunkin’ Donuts, in a town I’d never been to before and was unfamiliar with. I ended up waiting in a rather lengthy line and was a bit grumpy. I happened to be wearing a T-Shirt which said this:
I hadn’t worn it for ages, and had forgotten in fact I was wearing it until the cashier called out to me, “I love your shirt.” Cue the endorphins.
“Thank you,” I said, and smiled (which thanks to state bound learning probably cued my body to produce even more endorphins.) Waiting in the line seemed much more pleasant by this point. I ordered my coffee and sandwich and while waiting for them received another compliment from a customer walking by.
The third person to compliment me was a man in his 40s, scruffy and in jeans and t-shirt. “I love that game,” he said. “I haven’t played it in a while though.”
By now I was in a mood that allowed me to initiate conversations, so I asked “What are you playing nowadays.”
He proceeded to tell me that his 14 year-old daughter had gotten him into Fortnite. She had enjoyed it initially for the crafting, he said, because she really enjoyed Minecraft; but now that they were playing together she was enjoying the combat as well. His face lit up as he recounted how much fun they were having together. I told him about a study that had been done by Brigham Young that indicated increased levels of protective factors against depression. He smiled at that, and we both went on our way.
We spend so much time debating the neurological impact of playing video games that we often lose sight of another dimension; that of talking about playing video games. Talking about arts and culture is a powerful social adhesive. It identifies commonalities, allows for compliments and increased levels of engagement with others, allows us to recall exciting moments and share them. All of these activities in turn facilitate attachment, and increase a sense of well-being on the neurological level. That was the best line I’ve waited in a ages!
We need to find a way to get that message to Salty Sally the Social Worker and Morose Martin the Mental Health Counselor, whose eyes grow dull at the mention of gaming when their patients bring it up. “How much time are you playing Candy Crush?” they say, in uninviting tones, and eye such T-shirts as a clear sign of video game addiction. The next patient, who comes in with a T-Shirt of Monet’s “Water Lilies,” will get a compliment on it and no such screening for an Impressionist Art Addiction. In fact, the WHO didn’t include Art Disorder this go round at all, unless you include the art form of the video game.
In this current political climate, where we are so polarized, I wonder how many bridges (Minecraft or other) might be built if we paused to ask strangers in line if they play any games? I imagine Republicans, Democrats and Independents alike play something.
If Teams Valor, Instinct, and Mystic can all get along together raiding in Pokemon Go, perhaps we can too..
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Mindfulness, Minecraft & The I Ching
Video Games can be a form of mindfulness meditation, both playing and watching them. The Grokcraft Staff take you on a meditative creative session as we begin to build our I Ching Sculpture Park. Watch, listen, and enjoy..
For more info on joining the Grokcraft project, go to http://grokcraft.com . We are launching Grokcraft with an introductory subscription of $9.99 a month, & subscribers who join now will be locked in at that rate for as long as they are subscribed. If any of this appeals to you, please check out our new site at http://grokcraft.com & please spread the word to anyone you think might find this resource useful!
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Evocation and Mindfulness: Or, How to Think Better
Like other art forms, video games can be both a mirror and a candle held up to our culture, at times reflecting it and at times revealing things about it. Normally I direct my posts primarily at people: therapists, gamers, educators, parents. But today I want to include the company that produces World of Warcraft as well. We have a crisis regarding thinking, and although I don’t think WoW created it at all, it has reflected it in a recent game mechanic change.
I am referring to a change mages that happened recently, where the spell Evocation was replaced by Rune of Power. For people not familiar with the game, here’s a simple explanation. Mages cast spells, but spells require an energy called mana, which gets used up gradually as you cast spells. How much mana you start with depends on your character’s intellect, and once you have used up your mana, you can’t cast any more spells until it is replenished. To replenish it you can either wait and it will gradually return (not the greatest idea in combat,) or eat and drink (not possible while you are in combat.) Or you could in the older days cast Evocation, which meant you stood in place as the spell was going, gain 15% of your total mana instantly and another 45% of your total mana over 6 sec. Move or get attacked, and the spell broke.
This recently was replaced with Rune of Power, which places a rune on the ground, which lasts for 1 min. While standing within 5 yds of it, your mana regeneration is increased by 75% and your spell damage is increased by 15%. You have to keep remembering to replace it every minute, but that’s not the problem. It may even be an easier game mechanic, but that’s not the problem either. My problem with it is how it reflects our dysfunctional attitude about thinking, and specifically our tendency to think of thinking as separate from doing something.
We live in a culture where people frequently worry about things, and in fact have ruminations that are intrusive. Many people report feeling hijacked by their minds with worrying or intrusive thoughts. And yet at the same time, few of us seem to mark our time and set it aside specifically for thinking. We schedule appointments to do things, but thinking isn’t one of them. We treat thinking, which is intangible, as if it can occur in the same space as doing other activities that are more observable and tangible. And then we are surprised when our minds rebel and hijack our thinking with thoughts and feelings that come unbidden, when all along we have been failing to cultivate the practice of intentional, mindful thinking about things.
This is where I think Blizzard and Wow initially had it right with Evocation. It was acknowledging an important truth, that Thinking IS doing something, and when done intentionally it occupies time and has benefits. Sure you weren’t able to do other things while casting Evocation, but isn’t that the point? In the real world, when you want to think deeply and seriously about something, you really do need to be intentional about it, and make a space in your day to do it. Rune of power definitely embraces the multitasking model, which encourages you to set up a rune and then go about your other business while keeping half an eye on it to know when to refresh. Multitasking is not inherently a bad thing, but there are times and places that intentional thinking may be more appropriate and less anxiety-provoking.
Part of helping patients learn to manage worrying is often to help them set up a specific time for worrying about things. This “worry time” can be a placeholder in the day or week which the patient uses when an intrusive worry enters into their thinking: They can dismiss it by deciding to put that on the agenda for the scheduled worry time. This is a way of training your mind to be intentional about what you choose to think about and when. But implicit in this is the idea that training your mind to think about things intentionally is a learned skill.
You can apply this to many different aspects of your life and work. If you are growing your private practice, when was the last time you set aside an hour to think deeply about your business plan or clinical focus. I’m not talking about daydreaming here, I’m talking about sustained intentional thought. Clinically, do you set aside supervision time to think deeply about patients? As students do you take 15 minutes after each article to think specifically about the reading? As parents, when was the last time you said to your co-parent, let’s make a time to think together about how our child is doing in life at home and school. Classroom teachers, when was the last time you asked students to take 5 minutes and think quietly about the classroom topic?
Another challenge here is the confusion of tongues around the concept of thinking. Self-help gurus often exhort us to stop thinking about things and JUST DO IT. But I don’t think they are talking about intentional thinking, I think they are talking about reactive or intrusive thinking. Procrastination is reactive thinking, worrying can be intrusive thinking. Those are often roadblocks to success, but the form of thinking I have been referring to is perhaps better described as a form of concentration meditation. Concentration meditation has come to be seen by many of us as concentrating on an image, or a candle, or chanting, or a revered object, but that is not necessarily the case, and in fact it is limiting.
What if your idea is the revered object? What if your thought process about your work, child, patient, class is worthy of your undivided attention? What if you were to schedule a specific time to think about a certain project?
If you are one of those detractors who say, “I just don’t have time to think,” I don’t buy it. Thinking time is not a luxury item, although it may be a learned discipline to set aside a few minutes at a time to do it. So please take a second and schedule a time on your calendar to think about an idea that is important to you. Schedule a time to hold your random worries and thoughts and show up at that appointed time to seriously consider them. I suspect this will free up more mental space and time than you may imagine.
And please Blizzard, bring back Evocation. I miss it, and the important life lesson in mindfulness it has to teach us.
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Avatars & The Curated Self
If I ever meet James Cameron, I hope I will remember to ask him if it was a coincidence that he chose to the make the aliens blue. His movie, Avatar, garnered 3 Academy Awards for it’s epic tale of humanity’s encounter with the Na’Vi, largely through the creation of avatars, body forms that humans beam their consciousness into so they can mingle and fraternize with the locals.
The concept of the avatar comes originally from Hinduism, and refers to the concept of a God or Supreme Being deliberately descending to earth in a manifest form. One of the most popular gods for doing this is Vishnu, also blue. The concept of avatar in Hinduism is more complicated than this, but the piece of it that pertains to this post is the general concept of the attempt of a supreme being to incarnate part of itself to enter the world. There is an inherent diminution or derivative quality to it.
If you are more familiar with video games than Hinduism, you are probably more familiar with the concept of an avatar meaning the graphical representation of the player’s character in the game. When we play Pac-Man, our avatar manifests in the video game as a little yellow circle with a mouth that races around gobbling dots. Over the decades games and graphics have become capable of more sophisticated avatars ranging from the Viking-like Nords of Skyrim to the soldiers of Call Of Duty. As these video game worlds proliferate, players descend into them with avatars of many shapes, sizes and species. Some games, like Eve Online, allow you to customize the features of your avatar extensively; others allow you to pick from a limited number. We are always diminished by the process of taking on an avatar. Even if the powers an avatar has in the video game world are immense, it is derivative of the complexity of being human.
What is interesting is that most of us use avatars every day online, we just never realize it. Video games are just one form of social media, and avatars abound in all of them. The graphic may be as simple as our picture next to a blog post or comment, or a video on Youtube. But in the 21st century most of us are digital citizens and use one form of avatar or another. Some people in the world will only ever know us through our avatar in a video game or Second Life. And yet we know something of each other.
I think more and more of us are becoming aware of the connection between the avatar and the curated self, the aspects of our psychological self we choose to represent online. The curated self is the part of ourselves we have some ability to shape, by what we disclose, what graphics we choose, and how we respond to others. Like an avatar, the curated self at its best is deliberate. I say at its best, because although the curated self is in our care, we can also be careless with it.
Recently I posted a video of myself on my YouTube channel entitled “Should Therapists & Social Workers Post Videos Of Themselves On YouTube?” In making the video I chose to wear a bike helmet, and by the end of the post was using the bike helmet as an example of the risks we take when we opt to attempt innovation of our curated self. The video was designed to inspire critical discussion and thinking, and it did just that. In some groups where it appeared people described the video and points it was illustrating as “brilliant.” Other groups interpreted it as an instructional video on how to advertise your therapy practice and lambasted it. There was a myriad of responses, and I’m sure even more from people who opted not to comment on it. I received a number of likes of it, and a number of dislikes.
What I think is important and instructional here was how people began to comment through their avatars as if they were addressing the whole person I am rather than an avatar. And they made incorrect assumptions ranging from my age to my motives. The bike helmet and my posture on the video became the target for some incredible nastiness disguised as constructive criticism. From the safety of their own avatars they hurled some invectives at who they thought I was and what they thought I was doing in front of an audience of other avatars who alternately joined in, were silent, emailed me privately to offer words of support, or publicly commented on what they saw. The irony to me was that people began to demonstrate all of the roles we encounter in “cyberbullying,” which was part of what the video also touched on. In a perhaps not surpising parallel process, we got to see and play out the sorts of dynamics that our patients and children experience all the time.
We need to remember that every avatar is a derivative of the person. It is connected enough that we have attachments and responses to it. We can feel proud or ashamed, hurt or healed through our avatars. In fact, research from Nick Yee on “The Proteus Effect” has shown that playing a game with a powerful avatar for 90 seconds can give the player increased self-confidence that persists for up to 6 hours. It stands to reason that if someone experiences their avatar as weak or socially unacceptable for a brief time there may be lasting effects as well. Behind the guy in a bike helmet is someone else. He may be a faculty member at Harvard, a sensitive fellow, a father, a student, a man who just lost his partner, a person with a criminal record, or any, all or none of these. But he is always more than the derivative of his avatar. We need to practice being mindful of this and model it as we train others to be digital citizens. It is counterproductive to sound off on cyberbullying to our children or grandchildren, when they can Google us online and see us doing it ourselves.
We also need to help our patients, their families, and colleagues understand the active role we need to take in curating ourselves online. We need to understand what may happen when we put certain things out there. For therapists this includes the dilemma of putting out a curated self that resembles what kind of work you would do, while not disclosing or conveying more than you want the world to know. The example I always use with students and consultees is how I talk about my family but never who they are in particular. This is deliberate, because it is no big disclosure that I have a family, everyone on the planet has one of sorts with the possible exception of Dolly the cloned sheep. But beyond that I curate a private self, and let folks project what they may. If we put out comments describing patients or coleagues as “screwed up,” we are also curating ourself, I suggest poorly. We need to be mindful that most groups we participate online in are open and searchable. Many of my colleagues became therapists at least in part because they didn’t want to be known and thought the best defense was a good offense (“We’re here to talk about you, not me.”) They’re used to sharing the gallows humor with the team, and think the same applies to online. I’m with Rilke on this one: “for here there is no place/that does not see you. You must change your life.”
To paraphrase Wittgenstein, “our self is everything that is the case,” not just one avatar, blog, string of emails or video; not even the composite of all of them. Nor is our curated self everything that is the case. We’re more than our Facebook likes or our Twitter following. Human beings are so much more, much more wondrous and tragic than the curated self. We descend into the Internet and are diminished, but do bring some deliberate part of ourselves along. We will only ever know hints and glimmers of ourselves and each other online. As for the rest:
“Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.” –Wittgenstein
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Bio Breaks
If you’re a therapist looking to join a group of innovative colleagues for supervision, you may want to take advantage of this. Like this post? There’s more where that came from, for only $2.99 you can buy my book. I can rant in person too, check out the Press Kit for Public Speaking info. Subscribe to the Epic Newsletter!
Harriet At Forty-Eight
If you never read the novel Harriet the Spy, I hope you will ASAP. My hope is that most children, parents and therapists have had a chance to read it already, because it has a lot to teach us about digital citizenship. You can get it on Amazon here.
Harriet spends a lot of time writing down things in her notebook. Truthful things. Unflattering things. And one day the notebook falls into the hands of her classmates, who read these things, and respond to her with anger. What I find interesting is the way Harriet’s friends, teachers, and parents respond. Their initial response is to take, or try to take, Harriet’s notebook. Of course Harriet gets another one. That’s not the problem.
Harriet the Spy was published in 1964. According to Wikipedia, at least one variation of the technology of the notebook had been around since 1888, and there are examples of its common usage in the early 1900s. This technology was prevalent long before the 1960s. No one says to Harriet that she has a “notebook addiction,” although her usage of it becomes problematic. In fact, her redemption in the book also comes from the same technology of the written word.
One of my favorite moments in Harriet the Spy comes in Chapter 14, when Harriet has her initial appointment with a psychiatrist. As they settle down to play a game, the psychiatrist takes out his analytic pad:
Harriet stared at the notebook. “What’s that?”
“A notebook.”
“I KNOW that,” she shouted.
I just take a few notes now and then. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Depends on what they are.”
“What do you mean?”
“Are they mean, nasty notes, or just ordinary notes?”
“Why?”
“Well, I just thought I’d warn you. Nasty ones are pretty hard to get by these days.”
“Oh I see what you mean. Thank you for the advice. No, they’re quite ordinary notes.”
“Nobody ever takes it away from you, I bet, do they?”
This vignette illustrates how the clinician is not above or apart from technology. Harriet’s psychiatrist uses it himself. And his response to her struggle and worry about using technology is an approach I’ve come to see as key: He doesn’t try to restrict her from using the technology, he engages her around its use and thinking about its use. He actually gives her a notebook, and then respects her usage of it when he lets her leave the office without taking it back or asking to see it.
He then recommends that her parents talk to the school about allowing her to use technology to amplify her thoughts and expression there, via the school newspaper. He also suggests that they use technology in the form of a letter written by Harriet’s old nanny to give her some advice and connection. Many will say that Ole Golly’s letter is the pivot point for Harriet in the story, but I’d suggest that the pivotal moment comes when the mental health practitioner doesn’t demonize technology (the notebook) or pathologize its usage, but rather leans on technology as an avenue into the patient’s forward edge transference.
Technology, as Howard Rheingold reminds us, is a mind amplifier. It can be used to amplify our memory in the form of notes, for example. It can also be a voice amplifier, for better or for worse.
If Harriet was around today, I imagine she would be on LiveJournal, perhaps with her settings on private, but on LiveJournal nevertheless. In fact, her LiveJournal notebook would probably be more secure than a notebook carried around on her person without encryption. But maybe she’d also be on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. And unless she had parents or teachers who talked to her about digital literacy, she might not know or care about privacy settings or mindful use of technology.
Every day, on Facebook or Twitter or other social media, people young and old post, and “drop their notebook” to be read by hundreds or thousands of people, who can amplify the notebook even further by liking, pasting, sharing or tweeting it. By comparison, Harriet’s class of 10-15 students seems paltry. When an adolescent complains about her ADHD medication on her status, or when a parent tweets how proud he is of his Asperger’s child, these nuggets of information, of expression, of identity formation are sent out into the world and amplified. Our work as therapists needs to be to help our patients understand the significance of what they are about to do to themselves and others when that happens. And to do that we need to understand the technology ourselves.
Few of us would consider giving Harriet a notebook as “feeding her addiction,” or giving her a hair of the dog that bit her. Yet, we level such technophobic claims on the social media and technology of our time, trying to focus on technology as an addictive substance rather than as a tool, and pathologizing its use far too quickly and easily. And we often join technophobia with adultism, when we try to intrude or control the use of technology by children and adolescents (note that I said “often,” not “always”)
When you look at some of the stories Harriet prints in the school newspaper, you have to marvel at the bravery of the educators in that school! How many of school administrators would allow entries like “JACK PETERS (LAURA PETER’S FATHER) WAS STONED OUT OF HIS MIND AT THE PETERS’ PARTY LAST SATURDAY NIGHT. MILLY ANDREWS (CARRIE ANDREWS’ MOTHER) JUST SMILED AT HIM LIKE AN IDIOT.” Can you imagine the parental phone calls, even though the parents were both the behavioral and quoted source for this story? Can you imagine kids being allowed to experience communication and learning with this minimal form of adult curation? But also, can you imagine parents saying that the problem is allowing access to the technology of writing a newspaper, and that the idea of a school paper should be abolished?
When you think about it, we live in an amazing era of the amplification of human thought and expression. Our children will need to learn how to manage that amplification in a way we still struggle to understand ourselves. I remember one notebook I dropped, when I was managing a staff of guidance counselors. I was very frustrated with the response of one of them to something, and wanted to share that with my supervisor. I thought it would be important to share my emotional response to this with someone I understood to have the role of helping me sort this stuff out, and I was being impulsive and cranky. I ended up sending the email to the staff instead. Boy, did that torpedo those relationships. But I did learn a lot about how to pay more attention to the power of technology, and that part of being a good digital citizen requires thoughtful use of ampliying your words and ideas!
Most of us probably have a notebook-we-dropped story we’d rather forget, but we need to remember them and share those stories with the up and coming generations as cautionary tales, and examples of good and poor digital citizenship. Ole Golly tells us, “Remember that writing is to put love in the world, not to use against your friends.” Writing, a technology we have come to understand a bit better since Gutenberg, can be used for good or ill; but we don’t ban it. Now we are all learning, albeit uncomfortably at times, how to handle the newer technologies of social media, digital communication, and video games. It may be a bit utopian to suggest that texting/tweeting/gaming/Facebook/blogging is to put love in the world. But the alternative seems to be that while some of us ignore, avoid or fear it, other people, governments and corporations will learn how to use it against our friends.
Embedded in Harriet the Spy is a quote from Lewis Carroll, which aptly describes where we find ourselves in the 21st century of social media: “‘The time has come,’ the Walrus said,/’To talk of many things:” Indeed, the chatter can be deafening, impulsive, hurtful and confusing. But the solution is to choose our words carefully, not to stop talking altogether.
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Attention, Distraction & Creepers, Oh My!
Thinking, and Just Thinking
Originally I was going to title this post, “How to Make A Million Dollars as a Therapist Without Ever Having to Talk About Money.” And if I was just concerned about driving traffic to my blog and business, that would be the title. Because there are a lot of our colleagues out there who want to have a very successful business without having to deal with the sordid matter of coin. I used to think this was the number one reason that psychotherapists have a hard time being successful as entrepreneurs. I used to read, and agree with, several psychodynamic articles that have been written by colleagues which talk about how we feel shame around money, project our devaluation of ourselves by refusing to spend money on coaching or supervision, and have difficulty set fees and enforcing missed appointment charges with our patients because we feel that we don’t deserve to make money for our work.
I still think those are big hangups a lot of us have, but recently I’ve started to suspect that an even bigger one is our fuzzy thinking about thinking.
Therapists as a whole love to think. We like thinking deeply about our patients. Many of us love working with emergent adults in a large part because their neurology has finally blossomed and they are starting to reflect on their thinking. We often enjoy studying and debating the thoughts of major theorists. We even see the value of self-reflection in our work with patients. We like to think about others, the thoughts of others, our thoughts about the thoughts of others, and what great thinkers have thought about the thoughts of others and our thoughts about them. Boy, do we like to think about thinking.
Now I am no exception to this. I see an immense value to thinking, in fact I schedule time during my daily work week where I walk around the Charles and think. During this time I don’t take calls, I don’t check email, I don’t make appointments. I think. I intentionally schedule it during the day to remind myself that thinking has a critical place in my work, and has as much if not more value than a billable hour. And I will often lament to colleagues in academic settings about the need for more critical thinking skills. I’ve had colleagues critique my wanting more theory classes at BC by saying, “these students want classes that give them practical tools that they can use,” to which I respond, “how about thinking? That seems like a pretty good tool to me, when did we stop considering it practical?”
So I am not intending to come across as anti-thinking here. But I have noticed over the past several years who succeeds in getting their private practices off the ground and thriving, and who doesn’t. And the ones who fail are usually the ones who come to consult with me, or then need to “think about it.” I’m very concrete when I talk with consultees, and if they are in job crisis I call it that. I’ve worked with people whose incomes have shrunk by halves over the past several years. I tell them what has worked for me, and offer suggestions, and the suggestions require things like calling people to network or EAPs or insurance providers every day or write a business plan, or any number of other things.
They listen and say they’ll think about it.
Some people will make a lot of money off of those folks. There are dozens of people out there who can tell you how to “visualize” your ideal client, “ideate” abundance, or give you a 5 point plan to success. I’m not one of those people, and so sooner rather than later the conversation peeters out. Because they have a hard time moving into doing something other than thinking and talking. Maybe they’ll write a blog post or tweet a few times, but they get discouraged, because I’m not going to waste their time. This isn’t therapy. I’ll tell you what I think you ought to do. You don’t have to do it, but I don’t have a second set of things I think you ought to succeed in your business. So if you don’t want to do them, we really don’t have a lot more to talk about.
A lot of therapists, myself included, like to try to think and talk our way out of everything. And many things can be significantly impacted by strategic thinking, and thoughtful process. But eventually you have to do some other form of work if you want to be in private practice. We have more autonomy as sole proprietors, but we also can’t just sit in an office hour after hour “just helping people.” This is actually the fantasy I often hear expressed by colleagues, “I just want to help people,” as if the nobility of that entitles one to not have to exert any other effort.
One of my friends has a mentor who frequently says, “don’t confuse worry with effort.” Much of the time I think we confuse worrying with deep thinking, and even more so with taking other forms of action. We think if we worry about a problem either alone or with another that somehow that “counts” as having done something. The idea of sustained effort truly alarms us. I’m talking about me too here. One of the reasons I have a set time in my week to think about things is so that I contain that urge to think fretfully and know that there is a time and a place for me to think about stuff. And then I go on to other activities that are required of me during the day.
Another reason the Charles river is such an important place for me around this is that it is where I run. During the week I walk along it and think, and on the weekends at least once I run along it. But, and this is key, I don’t go to the Charles and think about running.
I can really only tell you what works for me, and incessant and indiscriminate thinking does not work for me, or my business. If someone tells you that there is an easy, simple way to succeed in creating and growing your practice, I encourage you to be skeptical. Creating and growing your business involves taking risks, trial and error, and most importantly sustained effort that is not entirely cerebral. My experience has taught me that you won’t think your way into a successful practice, but you may succeed in thinking yourself into a bankrupt one.
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Why Therapy Is Like A Game
Game-playing often has negative connotations in the field of psychiatry. We have all sorts of erudite ways of describing what laypeople call “mind games.” A great example is in the language of Axis II personality disorders. People are borderline, dependent, avoidant, narcissistic, antisocial, and the most FABULOUS of them all, histrionic. These words attempt to describe the psychological conditions which motivate problematic behaviors. Serious business indeed.
But come right out and say that therapy is like a game, even a kind of game, and that gets a lot of hackles up. Therapy is serious business, and games are anything but serious, right? Wrong.
To describe something as a game is not to minimize it or take it less seriously, but I suggest to describe what Bernard Suits calls the “lusory attitude.” This is the state of mind, the psychological attitude, required of any player when they play a game. The most succinct way Suits describes the lusory attitude is to say that it allows the “voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles”
An example of this, not mine originally, is that of golf. The activity is directed at achieving the goal of getting a ball into a hole. But instead of just creating an activity where we find a ball and drop it into a big hole, we take the hole, make it small, say you can’t use your hands to drop the ball in but must use a metal club, and start you off hundreds of feet away from the hole. That’s golf, and it is so full of unnecessary obstacles! There is no reason to make it so challenging, EXCEPT that that challenge is what makes it fun, and frustrating, and more fun. And nobody drags you into the wilderness, gives you a golf club and points a gun at your head to golf. It is a voluntary act. People love to, choose to, spend hours with sticks hitting balls from great distances with the hope of getting them into little holes. Why choose to do something so weird and difficult? Because they are playing. They have voluntarily attempted to overcome unnecessary obstacles. They have adopted a lusory attitude.
Life is hard. And for many of therapy patients, life has been extremely hard, and cruel. And yet, how often do we notice that they are making life even harder on themselves in some ways? Perhaps unconsciously, perhaps subtly, but more difficult nevertheless. That neurosis, the reenactment of the past, is what I would suggest is the unnecessary obstacle.
For example let us take PTSD-precipitated by child abuse. The abuse was serious, hurtful, sadistic, real. It happened. But in the case of the adult patient, the abuser is no longer there. The introjects, the learned stuff, the unconscious stuff, that is all there, but the perpetrator has fled the seen of the crime long ago. They were real obstacles, but trauma recreates them as unnecessary obstacles in the here and now.
Another example would be a phobia. Why not be fearful of everything? Spiders aren’t the only thing that we could fear: There’s death, and hurricanes, and black cats, and dirt, and blindness, and the next presidential election. But we don’t fear everything in the world that is or is perceived as harmful to us. Phobias are very specific, that is why there are so many clever names for them. They are again, unnecessarily specific obstacles.
Again, I want to stress that by calling these unnecessary obstacles that I am not at all saying that phobias or PTSD or not serious, painful, debilitating, conditions. What I am saying is that they are unnecessary to the life of the patient. Even as compromise solutions they have outlived their usefulness if the patient is in the here and now experiencing distress as a result of trying to defend against or cope with the past encroaching on their present. The repetition compulsion is a game of both danger and optimism. We do the same things over and over, often with disastrous results, true; but we keep doing it because on some level there is an urge to get it right. And like a video game, the repetition compulsion doesn’t just get defeated one day; rather we get progressively further in the game, acquire new levels and skills.
When our patients arrive at our office, they are in a state of lusory attitude, they are really trying to resolve the problems the best they can, and they have sought out our help to that end. If they are mandated to treatment, this is less likely to happen. But for a majority of patients, they choose to show up. And from a psychological point of view, showing up must be voluntary for therapy to work.
In order to do therapy, we also have to adopt together a lusory attitude. Both therapist and patient volunteer to work together to overcome the unnecessary obstacles. The therapy time and space are in some ways unnecessary obstacles: we choose to limit the session to the 45-50 mins, in a specific office, with only two “players” if it is individual therapy. These may be the warp and woof of therapy but they are also arbitrary distinctions that create unnecessary obstacles. We could rotate different therapists in, or meet for varying times whenever we both want, and hang out at Dunkins, but that would be therapy in the sense we are talking about would it? No, therapy, like games, must have agreed-upon rules.
Although I’m speaking in clearly psychodynamic terms here, doesn’t it seem that more behavioral approaches would find the concept of lusory attitude applicable as well? Surely we don’t try to extinguish behaviors we think are necessary. The behavioral approach also implies that the obstacle (behavior) is unnecessary and tries to over come it.
Having a lusory attitude is not always about being lighthearted, although it can be, but it is about taking play very seriously, engaging in it and often having an immersive experience. Psychotherapists who engage in play therapy with children often have an easier time understanding this than those who do adult psychotherapy. There is a general tone from our profession of, “we need to be taken seriously,” which I think has lots of its roots in the tendency of the medical profession in the past to have considered it less important. And somehow being taken seriously becomes equated with being important or being valuable.
I often supervise interns who repress any sense of enjoyment that comes from making an interpretation that moves a patient forward, or seeing theoretical elements manifest in the treatment, and try to help them see that enjoying the process of learning psychotherapy and learning about the patient is not the same as having fun at her/his expense. As Sutton-Smith says, “The opposite of play isn’t work. It’s depression.” In this regard I agree with him: When engaging in a lusory attitude with patients we are working with them. Removing those obstacles is very hard, dangerous work, and it is deeply and seriously playful.
To add gamers and video games into the mix, I would suggest that approaching video games as an addiction is a step in the wrong direction. This is not to say that I don’t think that some people play video games to the detriment of their lives and relationships. I do think that happens, just like I think people engage in a number of activities at times to the detriment of their lives and relationships. But to label them as pathological is to miss the point. Even if we rule out the cultural incompetency of the clinician around video games which often masquerades as dismissal or villainization, we need to understand that we are in essence asking the patient to adopt the same lusory attitude with us that is often there already for them with video games. We are saying, “don’t play that game, play this game of therapy instead.”
(Unless you have this view of psychotherapy:
Psychotherapy needs to stop taking the lusory attitude for granted. What if we became more mindful of our lusory attitude? We all have them, over coffee with a colleague when we look at each other and say, “this is such a weird profession!” It’s like golf in that respect, it seems; so intricate and complicated with rules we take for granted that make a particular human relationship much more complicated than it has to be. Try that on the next time you are trying to discuss your fee with someone: “I charge you $150 an hour because this is a weird relationship that has intricate rules and is much more complicated than human relationships have to be.”
I think that there are strong parallels between therapy, neurosis, and games, and that the thread that links them together may be the lusory attitude. In games, the design always boils down to a voluntary attempt to overcome and unnecessary obstacle. In neurosis, the attempt to repress intolerable conflicts and feelings creates an unnecessary obstacle even as the patient tries to remove the unnecessary obstacle of those same conflicts and feelings. (Game designers may recognize an interesting resemblance to the concept of iterative design here.) Finally, in therapy, the neurosis or symptom becomes the unnecessary obstacle that the therapist and patient voluntarily attempt to overcome.
What do you think? Does this jibe with your experience as a therapist, patient, gamer or game designer?
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A Tale of Two Conferences
Many consultees ask me how to get speaking engagements, and certainly that’s an important question. But this is also not the most important question. It is akin in many ways to the conversations around the question, “How do I get a job?” The focus is often too much on how to make a good impression on the interviewer, how to present as a good fit for the workplace in question. If you are only asking those questions and wanting to be a successful entrepreneur, I suggest you are barking up the wrong tree.
Because the questions that are equally important, if not more important, are the on the surface the less humble and self-effacing ones: Do I want to work for this person interviewing me? Would I enjoy this work environment? Are these people making a good impression on me? These are the questions which come from the perspective that you are a valuable commodity, and that perspective to a large extent needs to come from within. And let me be clear, not all workplaces, even those who purport to be empowering, want you to approach them from that perspective, because it lowers their bargaining potential when money (there he goes again with the money!) questions arise.
So too with public speaking engagements. There needs to be at least a sense of mutual value, mutual ROI that has to come from the speaker and the speaking engagement. Let me give you an example:
I am doing in the next year an engagement with conference A and conference B. Conference A approached me with a request, because they had had a personal referral to me. I will be speaking to a group of several hundred people at an event where I am one of several presenters.
Conference B sent out a general call for presenters and ideas. Several years running I have been nudged by some of the folks in charge to apply to present, so this year I did. Again, the conference will have an attendance of several hundred people and I will be one of several presenters.
Neither conference A nor conference B have an honorarium, but that is acceptable to me for a couple of reasons at this point in my career. One reason is that I now allot one pro bono presentation per month. But the other reason is that there is some clear ROI in both conference A and B: I will get exposure which leads to more paid speaking engagements; I will have a venue to make my book available for sale; and I will get my pro-gaming, pro-tech message out.
So far, so good. I should add here how both Conference A and B frequently include language in their letters to me about how valuable my contribution is and how much they appreciate me. But over the past few months I have received communications from both conferences that show how different they are in their attitudinal stance towards speakers.
Conference A sends me a paper letter with the details of registration for the conference. I am given the name of a specific person who handles presenter registration, told I am welcome to attend the entire conference for free and invited to a special luncheon for presenters on the day.
Conference B sends me a registration form, offers me a discount, and lets me know that they can only “give” me free admission to my presentation.
What?
I am being given free admission to my presentation? I’m confused. Is the implication that normally I should be paying for the privilege of presenting my expertise, but as a special gift I get to work for free? And are they really asking me to pay to attend a conference that I am donating my time and expertise to?
Guess which conference I will continue to work with in upcoming years?
If you guessed Conference A, bingo! Because they have the right attitude in my opinion. Their behavior is as valuing as their words. It costs them virtually nothing to get the group of us presenters in a smaller room for lunch and call it a special lunch, and it costs them virtually nothing for them to give me free attendance to the larger conference. And by assigning a specific person to handle my registration, they have made things even easier for me. What’s more they have in a few gestures given me what Chris Brogan calls that VIP Feeling.
Conference B has done none of that for their presenters. And think of all the value they are losing! They could have all of us experts in the field adding to the conference beyond our sessions. Asking questions or making comments at other presentations, networking with others, and being a free resource to other attendees at lunch, breaks and other down times.
Here is where word and deed don’t connect. What message are you sending when you ask people to work for free and then charge them? The irony is that Conference B will probably have some organizers who don’t understand why they end up getting a bunch of “hit and run” presenters and resent our not signing up for the conference. It’s a lose-lose situation for everyone, and it comes from a poverty perspective, not an abundance one.
So if you want to be a presenter, please remember this: You’re an expert in your field, act like one. Your time is valuable and limited, and you need to set the tone for that. Finally, pay attention to how potential presenting clients treat you. After talking with them, do you feel like a VIP, or do you feel like Oliver Twist?
Some of the old guard have told me that this is the industry standard. To which I say two things:
1. If that is true, the standard is wrong and needs to be changed.
2. This is one big reason why our profession is consistently undervalued and under-appreciated: Other people take our cue.
Also, someone should tell Conference A that they aren’t keeping lockstep with the industry standard by giving speakers the VIP treatment.
Oh, never mind, I’ll tell Conference A myself: Because they’ve earned my loyalty and I hope to be a presenter and attendee for years to come.
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Occam’s Oyster
The oyster has an amazing evolutionary trick. When a microscopic particle of something or other gets into its soft tissue, it creates over time layer upon layer of nacre, a substance which creates a pearl. What began as an irritant can go on to become a very valuable object.
You are not an oyster.
If something irritates you, you don’t always need to be stuck with it. And although I am a big fan of the cognitive reframe, to use it all the time overlooks that you can often resolve whatever is irritating you by removing it.
Case in point, for the past several years I have used a billing service. They’re great, but there has been something about the process of my patient intakes that irritates me. I have patients fill out an intake form, which they bring in to me. At the same time the billing office has a face sheet they use as well, but they need some information that is not on the face sheet but is on my intake form.
So for the past several years the patient will download my form off the site, fill it out and bring it in to me. I then have to scan the form and fax it to my billing office. To make things more complicated I have several computers and a scanner at home as well as an iPad. You’d think this would make things easy, but I can not seem to get them all to talk to each other the right way to scan something and email it in under 30 minutes. One laptop doesn’t get recognized by the wireless network. The iPad can scan the form but not email it. This has been going on for years, and I had grown accustomed to the irritation as I tried putting on layer after layer of “solutions.” I’d put off scanning the forms until my office asked me for them, which made their work harder, and payments from insurance choppy.
Then it hit me that I am not an oyster. Whenever this irritation came up I had been so focused on trying to make things go more easily, that I had never really taken a few minutes to think about how to make this problem go away. The answer in this case was simple. Instead of having my patients email the form to me, my introductory email to them can instruct them to email or fax it to the office directly. They need regular access to it, and I don’t. They have all of my other administrative paperwork which they keep all safe and secure, so it is actually far easier to have them keep it since they are doing all the billing. I rarely use that initial paperwork, and I’ll always know where it is.
I offer this as a nuts and bolts example of how your therapy practice needs to be evaluated periodically. The whole craziness above is a vestige of when I was doing all of my billing, and something I now realize I was not ready to let go of. And so I just got used to the irritant, ignored it, and hoped it would go away or become less irritating.
We therapists take more irritation for granted than is necessary in our business. We each have a different version of layering on the nacre. One of mine is constantly adding new gadgets and trying to find ways to make work easier, rather than making it go away entirely. I used to spend hours learning the intricacies of a billing software and calling insurance companies, and then I realized I wanted to get rid of the irritation. I researched different services, and finally decided on one which cost a little more, but did a lot more for me. Now I give them 9% of my fee, and in return they keep me credentialed with the insurances I take, send out statements, answer questions from patients and submit all my claims electronically to insurances. Not only do they trap more of my revenue because they can focus on it with more expertise than I, they save me valuable time.
I didn’t value my time as much when I started out, and I am glad I changed that, because I know I wouldn’t have had the time or energy to write a regular blog, do speaking engagements, or write my book this year if I had been chewing on all that paperwork.
So why does it often take us so long to fix systemic problems like this in our practices, or our lives for that matter? I would suggest that the answer is that we don’t value thinking.
I know, sounds crazy on the surface, therapists don’t value thinking? Thinking and thinking about thinking is a big part of our profession. But when was the last time you allotted yourself time specifically to think on something. By that I mean dedicated time where you think through something single-mindedly, not answering emails, talking on the phone, watching television, etc. Most people I coach can’t remember the last time they did that, in fact our coaching appointments are often the closest they come to it.
You don’t have to schedule a specific “thinking time” in your day, although you can certainly do that if it works for you. But in the case above I didn’t do that. Instead I noticed I was getting irritated for the umpteenth time and said to myself, “Ok, stop EVERYTHING, how can I make this irritation go away?” Within a relatively short time of dedicated thinking I identified what the system was, what the problem was, and what the new system would need to be to make the form nightmare go away. Not get less irritating, not more tolerable, but gone.
Look, I’m not saying that everything in life that irritates you can be removed, or even that that would be a good thing. I’m just saying don’t settle for mitigating damage before you’ve tried making the problem disappear. Ask yourself, “am I layering nacre over and over? Is that the best I can strive for?”
Then ask yourself, “am I making time to think, and am I thinking about the things I want to think about when I do?” Sure there are lots of times when you run a business that you’ll need to think about stuff you’d rather not think about; but if that’s how you’re spending the majority of your time then maybe you’re running the wrong business.
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Not All Failure Is Epic
In gaming there is a concept known as the “Epic Fail.” Roughly translated this means, a failure so colossal, so unbelievable in its nature, that it will go down in history as epic. Epic failure can be extremely frustrating in the moment, but is almost always funny in retrospect.
Recently I was playing Dark Souls, and I was trying to down two bosses known as the Belltower Gargoyles. Just as you get one down to half health, the other, who likes to breathe fire on you, shows up. Oy. I kept getting killed, which sent me back to a save point, running back up the belltower, and trying again. What kept me going up there was that each time I was surviving a few seconds longer, and each time I was getting the gargoyle’s health down a little more. At one point I started to consistently kill the first gargoyle before the second one finished me off. Finally, through an unbelievable feat of mashing all the buttons, luck, and strategy, I beat them both.
The failure that kept happening was not what I would call Epic Failure. It was certainly what Jane McGonigal et al call fun failure though. It was failure with just enough progress mixed in that I’d say, “Oooh, you’re going to get it,” to the gargoyles and try again. And again. Fun failures in video games are designed to work that way. The game can’t be so hard that the person gives up, but can’t be so easy that you don’t feel challenged. Because if you don’t feel challenged then there is little or no sense of accomplishment.
Heinz Kohut, one of my favorite psychoanalytic thinkers, would probably have a lot to say about video games if he were alive today. Kohut knew that failure was a part of life and human development. In fact, he thought that therapy was full of failure. He talked about empathic failure, when the therapist fails to respond empathically to the patient in some way. Maybe we don’t pay attention enough to a story, or don’t remember something, or start 5 minutes late. These are all parts of the therapist being human, and therefore being unable to stay absolutely in empathic attunement with the patient. This kind of failure is inevitable.
Kohut goes on to say that it is not necessary to deliberately make mistakes and empathically fail our patients, because we are going to do so naturally in the course of our work with them. In fact, to deliberately fail our patients is rather sadistic. But usually we aren’t being sadistic when we forget something, or run late a few minutes, even though the patient may experience it that way.
So first a note to therapists here. In the course of your work with patients you are going to fail a lot. But not all failures are epic. That is not to say that your patients won’t experience it that way. That vacation you’re going on may be an epic failure on your part, as far as they are concerned. Does that mean you cancel your flight plans? Of course not. Our job is initially to help the patient by understanding by empathy the epic nature of our failure from their point of view. We try to imagine ourselves into that moment they are having.
But that doesn’t mean that we stay there. We need to maintain some perspective, have some sense of fun failure, to keep doing our work. By that I don’t mean have fun at our patient’s expense, but rather be able to be lighthearted enough in our introspection to say “Oops, I missed that one,” or “there I go again.” If we can do that we are able to then refocus on the patient. If we instead get sucked into the idea that this is an Epic Fail we will lose all perspective, and actually start focussing on ourselves rather than the patient.
Do you ever say to yourself, “I’m such a bad therapist?” I don’t. Of course, I also don’t say, “I’m such a perfect therapist” either. I do frequently think, “I was not at my best today,” or, “oooh, how come I keep missing that with patients!” This helps me keep perspective so that I can get back in the game as soon as possible.
Whether you are a therapist, a gamer or someone else who is still breathing, chances are that you are failing sometimes. In fact, this time of year with all its’ hype and expectations about being joyful and loving families can make you feel even more like a failure. Some examples of Epic Fail statements that we think consciously or unconsciously include:
- I’m a terrible parent.
- I’m a terrible daughter/son.
- I’m a terrible sex partner.
- I’m a terrible worker.
- I’m a terrible cook.
- I’m a terrible student.
and the list could go on.
If any of those sounds like you, take a moment to reflect. Is this really an Epic Fail? Or are you distorting things? Chances are you are not a perfect parent, child, worker, sex partner, student or anything else. But if you really identify this as an Epic Fail, chances are you are solidifying a form of self-identity rather than accurately appraising yourself.
Why would we do that? Well, one reason is that we learned those messages of Epic Failure as a child. You probably still remember a few failures that can make your stomach churn if you think of them. But as often, I think we grasp on to solid identities, even negative ones, so we can stop working on ourselves. I’m just X, I’m the kind of person who can’t Y, Nobody ever thinks Z about me: These all kill our curiousity about ourselves and help us stay stuck.
Mindfulness is about fun failure. It is about being able to look at ourselves and reflect on ourselves without going to extremes. Mindfulness is about being able to be curious rather than judgmental, having roominess in our minds and souls rather than rigidity. This perspective leads to “Ooooh, I’m going to get that boss down this time.” The other leads to hopelessness.
So try to remember this as the days are getting shorter and tensions may be rising: Not all Failure is Epic. And if we can be right-sized about our failures we can learn from them. We can take an interest in our thoughts, feelings and behaviors rather than judge ourselves. If we catch ourselves saying “what kind of monster I must be to hate Aunt Myrtle,” we can perhaps think, “oops, there I go again. Isn’t it odd/interesting that I feel hatred towards Aunt Myrtle, what’s THAT about?”
Eighty-five percent of the time gamers are failing. And yes some of those are Epic, but the gamer attitude is to view those Epic Failures as moments of camaraderie and learning. In life outside the game, do you treat the Epic Fail that way? Do you seek out others and try to learn from the experience, or do you isolate? There is always some observing ego in the game Epic Fail that is often lacking in our non-game life. And in some ways that is understandable, you can’t always reset in life outside video games.
But consider this: Where there is life there is hope. If this was a true Epic Fail in your life you can still learn from it in time. Failures are inevitable, but with time and perspective they can be instructive as well. In the end I’d say that whether you think you’ve had an Epic Failure or not what matters most is how you move on from it. Who knows, maybe the only real Epic Fail is the one where you give up..
Note: No real Aunt Myrtles were hated in the writing of this post.
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Dings & Grats
I am convinced that if more people played video games, in particular massively-multiplayer online games, the human race would become kinder and self-confident. Here’s one reason why:
In MMOs like Warcraft, you have a social chat text window that is in the lower corner of your screen, constantly streaming messages. These messages are color coated so you can identify those you want to be reading, and screen out or hide those you don’t. For example, I usually have my guild chat “on” so I can talk and listen to guildies, but I rarely have the world “Trade” chat on, because I’m not a big shopper.
As you progress through the game, you level up. And when you level up, that’s an accomplishment. So you type into guild chat: “Ding!”
Ding, reminscent of the bell on a game show, is a way of calling attention to the fact that you have accomplished something. It’s tooting your own horn. But in gaming, dinging is socially acceptable! So when you announce over chat, “Ding!” You usually get a stream of “Grats!”
Grats, you may have guessed, is short for “Congratulations!” It is the public acknowledgement in gamer culture of your achievements. And if you are in a big guild and there are a lot of people online, you will sometimes get a stream of 50 or more “Grats.” This also means that if you are logging on or only half-paying attention you will catch on that somebody just achieved something.
Since everyone goes through the same levels, everyone recalls what a sense of accomplishment they often had when they dinged, and they pay it back or forward because they know how great it felt to get those grats. What emerges is a culture where achievements are announced and mirrored, which makes for a heightened sense of community and self-esteem.
When gamer patients announce they’ve hit level 85, or downed a major boss, or rolled and won on a piece of Epic loot, I am often quick to Grats them. I also encourage some coaching clients to get better at dinging when they have hit an achievement. “I finally rented my own office, Ding!” “I have 10 new patients, Ding!” Each of these is worthy of a quick energetic announcement of accomplishment.
By now some of the naysayers are probably thinking, “How corny.” And who has time to congratulate someone for every little achievement? We’ll just end up raising a generation of narcisists who overstate every accomplishment.
Obviously I disagree. First off, you don’t have to Ding on world chat, so to speak. Who is your guild? What group of people form your supportive circle that want to know when you’ve accomplished something. Second, there is always some self-regulation when Dinging. I don’t ding every time I mine some ore or pick an herb in WoW, but when I hit level 85 you bet I Dinged.
Third, when did we get so miserly with compliments? Is it some sort of holdover from the Pilgrims and the dour work ethic? It takes a second to Ding and the same to Grats. What is lost in that second pales in comparison to the affective shift in our psyche and the change in our neurochemistry. Think about any day you went into a job you hated, and the number of decision moves you made to do it even though you didn’t want to. If that didn’t deserve a Ding as you passed a co-worker’s cubicle, I don’t know what does.
Lately I have been trying to increase my Grats as well. Whenever a colleague posts on Twitter that they published a book, or finished a course, or got their license, I try to retweet with a big “Grats!” I try to amplify their achievement, not ignore it or dismiss it. One of the great powers of social media is how it can amplify things. And one thing many of us need practice with is unlearning a depressive stance, where we only see the negative. Now I am not a positive thinker, in fact positive thinkers make me feel uncomfortable, because I think they’re a bit deluded. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t get better at noticing and acknowledging the achievements and positive contributions others make.
I’m sure you can begin to see how this is applicable to therapy. Help your couples patients practice dinging and gratsing. Work with school staff to set up a Ding and Grats system in their classroom. Can you imagine how amazing it would have felt in middle school to finish your presentation with a “Ding!” instead of “The End,” and hearing 25 voices say “Grats!”
Dinging and Gratsing are expressions of enthusiasm, and sometimes it seems to me that there is some silent war being waged on enthusiasm. We’re supposed to play it cool, be “laid back,” and never indicate we care that strongly about anything. Is that really the apathetic and guarded culture we want to pass on? Let’s get off Plymouth Rock for goodness sake, and start calling out with some enthusiasm!
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Defeating the Boss: Overcoming Your “Big Bad”
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What Google+ Could Mean For Therapy
Every technology reveals the hand that shaped it. The technology of the 21st Century is no exception: Social Media has proliferated because human beings are inherently social creatures, even when that sociability takes on different forms. And the explosion of access to information was detonated by our own curiosity.
For better or for worse (usually worse) our ability to engineer and zeal to use technology usually outstrips our ability to behave well with it, and in a large part I believe that this is what spurs on our refinement of it. Listservs are a great example: They allowed amazing access to online community through emails and postings, and they elevated the concept of “flame war” in comments to a new level. Eventually, email and bulletin boards were insufficient to allow us to be sociable, and Web 2.0, with its emphasis on interactivity and real-time community was born.
And then Facebook, MySpace, Friendster and other social network platforms quickly outstripped the listserv and bulletin board. The emphasis became on finding and connecting with old friends, acquiring new ones, and maintaining a steady if sometimes awkward flow of real-time announcements, status updates and feedback to them. The online world expanded exponentially, and in fact that interactivity and information became overwhleming.
Which brings us to Google+.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure, Google+ is a new social networking platform (and in many ways much more than that) which has brought a new level of functionality to online social media. Although it is still in beta, the number of people participating in the largest usability test in the history of the world is growing by leaps and bounds. If your patients have not mentioned it, it is only a matter of time before they do, and that alone should be a good reason to learn to use it. But in fact, Google+ has already begun to show me how valuable it may be in actual treatment.
So today I want to introduce you to two of the core concepts of Google+, Streams and Circles, and show you how each of these may present you and your patients with an arena to talk about psychological concerns and skills in therapy.
Circles
The Google+ system of circles is as powerful as it is flexible. Whereas on Facebook you really had only one big group of people called your Friends, Google allows you to create and label various circles, such as “Friends,” “Colleagues,” and “Family.”
The interface let’s you drag the name and image of different people located on the top to one or more of the circles below. When you mouse over the circle it expands to give you an idea of who you have put in it. And if you drag a person to the grey and white circle on the far left, you can create a new circle, one which you label yourself. For example, I have a circle for “Minions.” I’ve always wanted minions.
This graphic representation of the way we can and often do categorize people in our life may allow our patients to visualize the decisions and boundaries they struggle with in real life. This can be especially useful with patients on the autistic spectrum. We can begin by empathizing with them when we upload our 1000 email contacts, and discover that we now have an overwhelming 1,000 individuals to make sense of. Who goes where? Is everyone a friend? Can we put people in more than one circle? Decide to take them out of one and into another, like say out of “acquaintance” and into “friend”? What sort of circles might we want to create that Google+ didn’t give us?
People with Aspergers often have exceptional spatial reasoning, and can find mapping out relationships very helpful. Now they have a dynamic way to do this, and a visual representation of how unruly and confusing social relationships can be. Even though we can use this only as a powerful metaphor and coneptual tool, we could go even further. Inviting a patient to bring in their laptop and taking a look at Google+ could be a helpful intervention. We could help them explore and decide how to set up their own personal boundaries and affectional investment.
Or imagine for a second you are working on emotional regulation issues with a patient. You can encourage them to create circles like “love them,” “Push my buttons,” “scary,” “feel sad,” and help them take a snapshot of their life at any given time to see who they want to put in each circle. Do some people go in more than one circle of affect? Do they notice that they are taking people in and out of circles frequently, or never?
Or imagine working with social phobia, and trying to help the patient brainstorm what activities they might want to try to invite someone to. They can create circles like “Go to movies,” “Have dinner,” “Learn more about them,” and other options for various levels and types of engagement, and then they can sort people into those. And all of a sudden they also have a visual list of who they can call when they are trying to socialize.
Last example, working with trauma and/or substance abuse. Circles can be created for “Triggers me,” “Can call when I want a drink,” “My supports,” “self-care partners,” etc. Then populate each with the people in their life, so they have a ready-made resource for when they are in crisis. It also can be very illuminating to share and explore this in therapy, allowing you to make comments like, “what do you make of the fact that most of the people in your family circle are also in your triggers one, but not in the support one? What do you think you could do about that?”
So these are just a few quick examples of how you can use the Circle concept of Google+ to understand your patients better, help them understand themselves better, and use social media to intervene in a variety of situations.
Streams
In Google+ circles go hand in hand with your Stream or Streams. A stream is a stream of comments, updates, links to information, invitations, photos, video and other media, posted by people in your circles. It is probably important to note here that similar to Twitter, you can invite people into your circle without their permission, but that doesn’t mean they will invite you back. And you can set each circle to have different levels of access to your posts. In other words, circles and streams together allow you to learn and set boundaries. Here’s what a Stream can look like:
This is only the fraction of the incoming Stream, which gives you a sense of how multimedia, interactive, and possibly uninteresting some of it could be sometimes. Much like Twitter, or like life. If we had to pay attention to everyone all the time in the same way, we would become very fatigued. Like our patients with ADHD, we would be overwhelmed despite our best attempts to understand at times. Again, we can use this technology that our patients may be familiar with to begin to deepen our empathic attunement with them. But it gets even more interesting.
If you look at the upper left-hand corner under Stream, you will see a list of your circles, in this case family, friends, acquaintances, etc. Now if you click on any of those circles, the Stream changes. Specifically, it changes to list only the posts from the people in any given circle clicked. This synergy between circles and streams highlights not only the importance of privacy, but that focussing our attention is inherently a social as well as cognitive function.
Imagine working with an adolescent and reviewing their streams together. What sorts of media, comments, and concerns are streaming through their lives at any given moment? And what is the consequence of having 500 “friends” in their friend circle? Do they feel intimate or able to attend to all of these friends? Or are there some times that they may be more interested in attending to some friends than others? If so, why? Might it be time to start to rethink what it means to be a friend? Is it ok to select who they attend to at certain times? Do they really find the content they get from A interesting? And if it is consistently uninteresting, does that say anything about their relationship? Sorting through Streams to make sense of their world quickly becomes a talk about sorting through their values and their relationships.
For a second example, let’s return to the patient with ADHD. Perhaps they could create circles for “School,” “Fun,” “Work,” “Family,” and sort people that way. That way when they are doing work for school they can focus only on the Stream for the School Circle, which may contain links to papers, classmate comments, or lecture recordings from their professor. If that stream starts to have too many other types of posts, maybe that is an indicator that someone is in the wrong circle, or that they need to only be in the “Fun” one until that paper is done. Remember the circles are easily adjusted back and forth, so this is neither difficult or permanent to do. But these types of decisions and focussing techniques may be crucial to staying on task. (For those of you who might be ready to suggest that they not need to follow any Streams when they are studying, I encourage you to take a look with them at how much academic content and collaborative learning is done online before you rush to judgment. It’s not always just “playing on the computer” now.)
Other ways that you can use Streams to help your patients therapeutically may come to mind if you reflect on the names of their circles. Do they really want to follow the Stream of posts from their “Pushes My Buttons Circle?” Maybe they’d rather tune into a steady Stream from their “Supports” circle instead? And what might happen if they created a circle for “Intimates” that only contained people that touched them in deeply meaningful ways? Could they still enjoy their “Friends” Stream, but switch to a “Skeleton Crew” one when they are needing to simplify their social life?
We make these decisions all the time, we just aren’t always conscious or overt about it. And if we don’t make those decisions, we often suffer for it by overextending or stressing ourselves. We need to have boundaries and filters. We need to be able to focus and set limits and values. These needs have begun to be more clearly revealed by the technology of Google+. Knowing about that technology may improve our ability to treat our patients.
Epic Mickey and Frittering
The last week I have had a blast playing Epic Mickey; two blasts actually. In the game you’re Mickey Mouse, and your primary tool is an enchanted paintbrush, which sprays two different substances with very different effects. The first is a magical blue paint, which can make invisible things real, and make an enemy in the game turn blue and become a friend. The second is a magical green paint thinner, which can make real things invisible, and thin an enemy into nothing.
There are good reasons to do both of these things, but the unnecessary obstacle in the game is that there is a limited amount of paint and thinner, and so if you use too much too quickly, you have to wait until a cooldown replenishes it, or until you find a power-up. Power-ups, in case you aren’t familiar, are items in the game you can come across that replenish your health, and in the case of Epic Mickey, your paint supply.
The game is a Wii game, and so the motion controller is how you aim the paintbrush to paint or thin. And when I started playing it quickly became apparent that I was going to have to get better at aiming if I wanted to accomplish anything before running out of paint/thinner.
Epic Mickey teaches therapists, gamers, and anyone else who wants to learn through video games some important lessons about living life and frittering away your resources. The game has very simple mechanics, but life often has more complicated ones. Fortunately, this video game can help serve as a meditation on mindfulness and achieving goals.
Lesson 1: Paint Vs. Thinner
When approaching a problem, relationship, or business, it isn’t always immediately apparent whether to add paint or thinner. Do we need to add more stuff or clear some off our plate? Will additional effort reveal opportunities that were invisible moments ago? Do we need to process more with our partner, or less? Perhaps we need to simplify, reduce or focus our practice niche? Maybe we need to remove an obstacle, rather than spray creativity all over the place. One of my favorite paint thinners in real life is Occam’s Razor, which has been often interpreted as “the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one.” Or to put it more like it was originally intended, we should try to avoid any unnecessary pluralities, and tend towards the simpler theories or applications. Sounds like thinner to me, who would have thought Mickey Mouse to be a Scholastic thinker?
And to make things more complicated, Epic Mickey shows us how if we can’t make up our minds we will go back and forth between paint and thinner, undoing anything we may have started and wasting time and effort. So whether we decide we need to add something or take something away, we need to commit to a course of action, or we’ll be confusing dithering with effort. In Epic Mickey so far, I have found that many problems can be solved in a variety of ways, some using paint, some using thinner. I suspect life is like that too.
Lesson 2: Keep an Eye on Your Power Reserves
In the game, you always have to keep an eye on your paint and thinner meters to make sure you pace yourself and don’t run out. They will replenish automatically over time, but slowly. In my business I can attest that this is also true. I usually have a couple of irons in the fire, but I have learned to pace myself. I remember a few years back I was seeing 25 patients a week, supervising three interns and therapists, teaching two classes, taking another, sitting on 2 commissions and trying to write. I had to learn the painful lesson that I was doing a subpar job of every one of these because I wasn’t prioritizing, and perhaps more importantly, I wasn’t allowing time for replenishing myself. Nowadays, I try to pace myself and make time to do fun stuff, like running at least once a week, playing some games, spending time with my family chilling or getting a massage, eat regularly and get enough sleep. Not only are these things rejuvenating, but if I can resist multitasking they block off time so I don’t get exhausted and put out subpar work.
Are you keeping an eye on your reserves? And more importantly, are you willing to give up a few things so that you can devote more time to living life and having fun so you have the energy to do others? I certainly didn’t want to give up any of the activities I was doing, I liked doing them all, just not all at once. Often I hear colleagues say “I just don’t have enough time to simplify and relax,” as if it is a luxury rather than a choice. Sure giving up a couple of things is going to discombobulate you, especially if you’ve learned to pride yourself on being busy. But you won’t run out of paint as often.
Lesson 3: Keep an Eye Out for Power-Ups
In Epic Mickey, time isn’t the only way to replenish, there are treasure chests with power-ups. When I recently defeated the Clock Tower Boss, the way I did it was to keep an eye out for power ups, and sometimes pass up what seemed a perfect shot to get a power-up. In the long run, keeping an eye out for the things that power you, your relationship or your work up will be worth foregoing the perfect shot. This is especially true in relationships: It can be very hard for us to resist zinging that perfect shot, but backing away and taking time to do something replenishing will usually make things turn out more harmoniously!
What are your Power-Ups? Is it a massage, a walk in a botanical garden, meditation, playing Super Mario or spending time with your kids? It’s your responsibility to figure out what these are, make a little time for them regularly, and do them even when you aren’t feeling totally depleted. Pay attention to what happens when you do certain things, eat a certain way, or take something else into your being. Do you double in size and power? Become able to hurl fireballs? Defeat previously impossible monsters? If so, chances are whatever you just took in is a power-up.
Lesson 4: Focus stops Frittering
Last, the more targeted you are in what you’re trying to do, the less wasted energy and resources you’ll have. In life, like in Epic Mickey, you often need to aim for something. Sure, sometimes random efforts yield surprising results. When it does, huzzah, but that’s no excuse for not trying to be focused. Mindfulness is in a large part about focusing your mind and body on something, letting distractions drift by. Use the Force Luke–if you don’t you will probably find yourself feeling depleted, frustrated, and confused as to why.
Yes, focusing means giving up on something else. Frittering means giving up on everything while deluding yourself you haven’t. Parents who become obsessed with quality time rather than choosing a game night are frittering. Saying you want a committed marriage while you’re out every night drinking beer with the buddies is frittering. Complaining about managed care and lower fees rather than marketing your business or helping a forward-thinking candidate is frittering. And there are a thousand other ways that all of us confuse dithering with effort. So pick something and try to focus on it single-mindedly. At least that’s what works for Epic Mickey, and can an 83 year-old mouse who can still defeat monsters and jump over chasms be all wrong? I think not.
The Lessons of Zelda
One of the most popular and longstanding game series in the Nintendo franchise is the Legend of Zelda series. The first game came out in 1986, and there have been 15 games to date. The games almost always revolve around the Hero Link and his attempts to rescue Princess Zelda and/or defeat the evil wizard Ganon. They are a combination of puzzle-solving, exploration and action fighting.
Nearly all of the games make use of the mechanic of transforming oneself or the world in order to win. Link must learn to use an Ocarina to change time in order to access all part of one game. He needs to transform himself into a wolf to complete another. One of the earliest games, and also my favorite, The Legenda of Zelda: A Link to The Past, established the concept of a parallel world that Link needs to shuttle back and forth between in order to ultimately defeat Ganon.
Another key to navigating the game is that the player needs to complete dungeons to get the reward of another item, which are necessary to move further into the game. Until you get the grappling hook, for example, you can’t swing across certain chasms to move on. Or if you don’t have the flaming arrows you can’t melt the ice block obstructing the passage to another dungeon.
Zelda is also famous for its concept of the Triforce, represented by three triangles connected to form a larger one. This force needs to be assembled from smaller parts in order to grant Link or Zelda extra super powers.
All of these elements are challenging yet soothingly familiar each iteration of the game. And all of these elements are useful examples of how therapists and gamers can communicate about strategies for handling real life challenges as well.
Lesson 1. You need to be able to shift between worlds to win in any of them.
People may take my posts, which are clearly pro-gamer, to indicate that I think that life in-game is more important or a replacement for the world outside of it. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the recent research indicates that if you spend more than 3-4 hours a day playing video games, the positive effects of them begin to decline quickly. So this lesson is a good example to use with your gamer patients or friends about the necessity of not getting stuck in the gaming world to the detriment of the outside world. Ultimately that will ruin both worlds for you. If you stay home and don’t go to work you’ll lose your job and money and therefore access to playing.
On the other hand, if we can’t take a break from the outside world we will find that our functioning in it deteriorates as well. We need to be able to take a break on the most visceral level, its one of the reasons our eyes blink. In Ego Psychology this is referred to ARISE, or adaptive regression in service of the ego. Often when people are feeling stuck around a real life problem, playing video games can distract their conscious mind while their unconscious mind continues to work on it. AND the cognitive and emotional boost we get from gaming can actually refuel our brain’s ability to return to the world with renewed vigor. So with video games and real life, it is always both/and that brings success, not either or. With games though that axiom only works for sure for a limited, 3-4 hour period. More than that and all bets are off!
2. We need multiple tools to solve the problem.
Whether in Hyrule or Hoboken, there is no one instrument or approach that solves every problem. You can’t rely on your sword to swing across chasms, and you can’t rely on your intellect to lose 10 lbs. We need to encourage our patients to have as many tools in their toolbox as they can find and not rely on just one. And it is an interesting phenomenon that the acquisition of a tool or skill often brings access to new challenges for every problem it solves. And that’s a good thing! At SXSW this year Seth Priebatsch helped us wonder what education would look like if we unlocked achievements at varied paces rather than moved up grades homogenously (Answer: it would look a lot more fun, interesting and engaging than public education looks today.)
So whether you find yourself using your verbal sword to hack through relationships or your grappling hook to swing from person to person, take a look at all the items in your knapsack. Maybe a soothing ocarina might be a better choice than a flaming arrow when it comes to communicating with your employee. Maybe the opposite is necessary to melt through some rigid thinking. Isn’t it great that you can do both?
Lesson 3: It takes time, patience, and effort to assemble all the parts to succeed.
People often come to therapy looking for a quick fix. Insurance companies bank on this being a continuing trend with short-term therapy or medications. Those are often useful parts of the solution, but just that, parts. Whether you are trying to improve your life, build your practice, or heal a relationship, it is going to take a lot of time, patience and effort. And yes, it will often be redundant! In WoW we often talk about downing a boss using “rinse and repeat,” meaning that we learn the strategies we need, and then have to use them over and over and over to ultimately down the boss.
Rome wasn’t built in a day unless you’re playing Civilization III. It takes time to assemble the pieces of the most powerful parts of our lives. Therapists can remind gamers that they are good at this!! I can’t tell you how many times I have run the same dungeon in a Zelda to get the map to find the compass to find the boss to get the key to unlock the item to cross the obstacle to get the key to down the big boss. Gamers are no stranger to persistence when we’re engaged, and we’re not dissuaded from effort when we have some optimism, that’s how we roll. 🙂
So these are just some of the Lessons of Zelda, lessons that therapists and gamers alike can use to improve their coping and lives. Are there other lessons I’ve missed?
Want to Change a Behavior AND Feel Heroic? There’s an App for That…
I must confess I am not a big one for New Year’s resolutions. I rationalize this by saying that one should change one’s behavior when insight hits, not wait for a specific date. The truth is, like many of you, I want to avoid change, even if I know it is good for me. But if there is one thing that can motivate me to do something, it is “epic loot.”
In gamer parlance, “loot” is the general term for specific prizes you win in-game by completing a quest or downing a boss. In World of Warcraft the loot is color coded. White labeled loot is “common;” “uncommon” loot is green; “rare loot” is blue; and “epic” loot is purple. Recently we all had to say goodbye to our Epic armor and weapons, because the Cataclysm expansion introduced a higher level and item level. But I digress.
Token economies and reinforcement are nothing new to the field of psychology and the practice of behavioral modification. But now, if you or someone you know is a gamer, there is a way to tap into this love of loot and leveling up in the out-of-game daily life. It is a new App for the iPhone (sorry Droid, you fail!) and it is called Epic Win. (Thanks to @DorleeM on Twitter for tweeting this to my attention– follow her, she knows stuff.) This fun little app can be programmed with your list of to-dos. You choose your starting avatar, such as a Dwarf, Warrior Princess, or Skeleton. Then you enter the tasks you want to do.
You assign each task with a amount of experience points, and when you complete it you see a graphic of your character and a sound effect as you gain the points. Enough points and you level up, which also brings you loot, and you can see yourself progressing across the map of a Middle-Earth-like world towards your next loot. Ominous music and drum beats remind you that you are on a quest of great importance. You can measure your progress in miles as well as points, and the graphics and humor in the App are quite compelling.
To start with I chose two tasks that I wanted help and encouragement with: blog entries and my weekly run around Fresh Pond. I picked these because they are also recurring events, and I programmed the App to have them recur weekly and monthly, and to sound a little alarm to remind me to do them. To see how this would work (and give me some credit to level up!) I backdated my running for this month. After accomplishing these “quests” I was able to advance to level 2, and I received my first piece of loot, a “Tatty Wooden Chalice.” Humble beginnings, but it had a funny caption to go with it: “Yes it leaks, yes you get the occasional lip splinter, but it’s still better than cupping your hands.” The humor, sound effects and getting a prize all make it easier for me to stay motivated.
You can name your own avatar or the App will assign you one. I liked the one my Skelly got, and so I am keeping “Calcium Facebone” for the time being. As I have written previously, we often form attachments to our avatars, and this combined with the achievement of measurable goals and the heroic sense of being on a quest add up to behavior modification with a chance of succeeding. Calcium and I have already traveled many miles together (140 to be exact,) and collected 190 gold. And after I post this blog entry, the 100 points I get will porbably bring me to my next piece of loot.
I can’t wait to see what it is.