
An Open Letter to Parents, Teachers & Administrators Now That School Is Officially Closed

So Now What? : Education During a Pandemic
Parents, Educators and School Administrators are beginning to realize that this isn’t a break or a blizzard. Many of them are hitting the ground running, some are laying as low as possible this week and hoping things will settle, a few are immobilized. And every teacher I know or talk to is trying to figure out a strategies. Teachers, you know it is true: You LOVE strategies. And I love you for it. But these are strange times, and if your strategies or lack of them are making you feel stuck, maybe some of this will help. I have my two cents and then a list of resources for you.
First, my two cents, based on working in special education, public education, higher education and clinically over the past 25 years. The most important thing right now for kids right now is to stay calm, connected and establish new flexible routines at home. No homework packets, no busy work to keep them “occupied.” As tempting as this may be to administrators, educators and parents, that does not really lend to good learning, in fact it is this adherence to the status quo that partly got us into this problem to begin with.
- Play is OK. There is a wealth of research out there on the benefits of physical and digital play on cognition, visuospatiomotor skills, social emotional learning, and more. Allowing kids to engage in stress-relieving fun will make them better learners, keep them in contact with their peers, & feel mastery at a time when all of us are feeling little.
- Look for the embedded learning in the activity. This is different than trying to structure learning too much. When you are able to focus on your child between other things you are doing as a parent or online educator, try to identify what learning is happening with the play activity and maybe share it when the child is done. I say maybe because first and foremost this is for you to reassure you and calm your anxiety that your child or student is falling behind and will end up living in a cardboard box on the highway because they are playing Portal 2 rather than doing math sheets. Instead, watch the game a bit, and ask yourselves, are there things about physics embedded in the game? Does Plants Vs. Zombies have an opportunity to discuss task planning, sequencing, or math skills (hint, it does: all of the above.) Try to see the things that kids are always learning in play. Now don’t interrupt and ruin it.
Ok, I know that’s not enough for many of you. So here’s a list of some things educational innovators are offering for parents, kids and schools as resources for online learning:
From Continuity with Care to Zoom Memes for Self Quaranteens–My Internet Responds to COVID-19
Parenting (in RL) during a pandemic
Resources For Teaching and Learning During This Period of Social Distancing
THE COLLECTION :Explore thousands of artworks in the museum’s wide-ranging collection—from our world-renowned icons to lesser-known gems from every corner of the globe—as well as our books, writings, reference materials, and other resources.
Coping With COVID19: Advice for Parents & Educators
Brown Center Chalkboard (Ed policy thinking)
Invitation: Continuity with Care During COVID-19: Curation & Conversation (Curated and Crowdsourced Teaching Tips)
Kind Words: Lo fi chill beats to write to
Creating Educational Experiences through Narrative in Minecraft with Stephen Reid
Educators can also join one of my free Zoom groups (download free software at (http://zoom.us )
Thursdays 3-4 EST
COVID19 Educator Support: Not tech support. This meeting is to provide psychoeducation and collegial support for educators adjusting their teaching to COVID19
Meeting ID: 906-040-691
Password: 02554
Coping With COVID19: Advice for Parents & Educators
As anticipated, I’ve begun to receive a few communications from therapists, parents and educators about the social distancing impact on them and their children. The first question I get usually is something like “I’m worried about my kid playing too much video games, should I be setting limits on this with them?” I’m going to give you an answer that you may not want to here, but may actually improve mental health.
First, as I mentioned earlier this week, we are all going through an adjustment reaction to a rapidly emerging situation that is impacting everyone you know at the same time. This alone is rare in that usually some of us are not dealing with psychological upheaval when some others are. But this time, whether you are denying, minimizing, remaining guardedly calm, scared, or overreacting, you too are on the same continuum that we all are. So welcome. 😊
Local governments and schools, comprised of similarly recalibrating individuals are doing what they can to get ready for the wave of shut-downs, and this includes for many teachers and kids a break for 2 or more weeks and then perhaps online learning. Many workplaces are closing and reducing hours, which means that families are about to spend more time together in closer quarters with less emotional and financial resources than usual.
So, what can you do?
Here are my suggestions which are based on my work, research and thinking about psychology and technology over the past 25 years:
- Focus on social distancing (skip ahead if you already have embraced this idea.) This is the most important way we have to #FlattentheCurve and mitigate against higher more rapid infectivity. As has been written at https://staythefuckhome.com/sfw/ the concept of self-quarantine works to mitigate the spread of infectious diseases. We have known this since the 1400s. This is hard on social creatures, and can start to evoke guilt in caregivers. Compassionate ideas like visiting elderly shut-ins in person; babysitting groups and play-dates; local support gatherings are all bad ideas when it comes to a pandemic.
- Anticipate but don’t panic. It is very likely that more disturbing information and misinformation will happen in the next several days. If you note the way COVID19 is trending things are going to worse and scarier pretty quickly. Remember this is happening at a pace that is quicker than you may be used to and be prepared to change your mind and recalibrate family rules and limits much more rapidly and often. Be prepared to say, “I know I said X but now that I have more information it is Y, and I’m sorry that we keep changing the rules on you. Building that understanding with your child that things are moving quickly is part of the overarching message “I love you, I’m listening and I’m going to keep you safe.”
- Let kids play their games. I have mentioned elsewhere and will include below several posts debunking the common misconceptions that demonize video games. But here let me put it a different way: 2 or more weeks is a long time to be in your home nonstop with your children in a state of embattlement. Video games are a great way to practice social distancing: Kids can talk with their friends online, escape the heightened stress at home or in our communities, and feel a sense of being in control of something. It also provides you with the respite you know you are going to need after a couple of days. Lift restrictions if your authoritative parenting style can handle it. One exception here is helping kids build in 5 minute movement breaks every 45 minutes or so.
- Try to see it from their point of view. No matter how much your child or teen loves you, they are used to having several hours a day away from you too. Like you, they find being distracted from family life by work and friends reinvigorating, so please don’t frame this as an opportunity for more quality time. It’s disingenuous and sets everyone up to feel like a failure when the reality of quarantine sets in. Of course if they are open to spend time with you, accept the invitation as they deliver it: Now may be the perfect time for you to finally learn how to play Fortnite with them.
- No, YOU go outside and play. Often parents find themselves exhorting kids to go outside when they are secretly yearning for escape themselves. If your child can be left alone safely for a bit, go outside and take a walk, get some fresh air and calm down. You already believe that exercise will do you good, so focus on the one you can control, you! Of course, if your family walks/hikes/runs together and you are not looking for alone time, definitely invite them along with you.
- Get in the habit of zooming, calling, texting with others regularly. Your kids may be experts at this, but older family members may need help with the habit or technology. Or you might. Learn how to use Zoom, which is being offered for free for most kids. Call and help other folks learn how to set it up and test drive it. This week is the week to get practice before things get more hectic.
- Practice mindfulness games and meditation when possible. My colleague Chris Willard has some excellent suggestions on this here. Don’t force kids to do this though, as it will turn them off. If anything, trust that if they are intently playing a video game they may be engaging in a form of concentration meditation which isn’t bad either.
- Confront and redirect the inadvertent demonization of touch. This one is huge. This past week many have become acutely aware of how often they touch their face, or others without asking permission. To control the spread of infection this is crucial, and yet we need to also resist the urge to begin to perceive touch as unnecessary or lethal. Touch and reaching is a part of healthy infant development (Beebee, 2016.) It plays a significant role in focusing attention and attachment security in adolescence (Ito-Jager, 2017.) Children need to touch themselves as part of learning motor imagery (Conson, 2011) body ownership (Hara, 2015) and the assembly of “self” (Salomon, 2017.) Research has shown that adolescents in America already touch each other less and are more aggressive to peers than in another country sampled (Field, 1999); and for all of us touch quite probably helps us with emotional self-regulation (Grunwald, 2014.) Self-touch is a cornerstone of mindfulness and compassion meditation practices. Practice everyday precautions while at the same time but remember that touch is necessary for basic neurological and psychological well-being. Find adaptive ways to continue giving yourselves touch so we do not become a planetwide Harlow monkey experiment.
- Special note to educators: Relax your curriculum and pedagogy. Please push back on your administrators on this one. You are all home because there is a global pandemic with all its increased stress and uncertainty; this is not a snow day or break. Kids should be focused on social connection, play and reduced stress. You aren’t going to hit your benchmarks this semester. There, someone finally said it. You can encourage your parents to read to kids, spend more time together, offer fun reading lists or math sites, but please let go of your own overarching expectations and resist any arbitrary ones placed on you as much as possible. If someone starts talking about lesson plans, say “this is a pandemic.” If someone starts talking about kids’ grades, say, “this is a pandemic.” Part of your job as an educator is to educate kids and their families about adjusting in reaction to events, I’m sorry you got stuck with this event, but there you have it.
- Pick one or two trusted sources to keep yourself and your kids informed. Two much information overloads kids and adults alike. Most of us don’t need to know what JCPenney or Walmart have to say about COVID19. On the other hand, I have found the info from Harvard very helpful. The Joan Ganz Cooney Center has some great thinking and writing for education and child development. Your Teen Magazine is very accessible to parents. Dr. Kristin Moffitt from Boston Children’s has a short but useful interview on how to talk to your kids about COVID19
If after all that you are STILL focused on screen time, please check out these items for your consideration:
- Yeah? Tell That to Squirtle: The Fallacy of “Screen Time”
- Dopey About Dopamine: Video Games, Drugs, & Addiction
- Improving Our Aim: A Psychotherapist’s Take On Video Games & Violence
- The Internet & Real Relationships
- 10 Nonviolent Video Games
- Innovation is Dangerous & Gaming Causes Asperger’s
- Finally! A Mindfulness Approach to Video Games for Play-Based Social-Emotional Learning, Just in Time for the Holidays
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Streaming, Path of Exile & The Repetition Compulsion
As many of you know I have begun streaming. My goal in doing this is to both have some fun, and reach a wider audience when talking about psychodynamic concepts. This is my latest attempt, in which I talk about the Repetition Compulsion in terms of farming for a unique sword in the game Path of Exile. Keep in mind that the conversation about the repetition compulsion during the stream if for a general audience, and should not be substituted for seeking out medical advice or a mental health professional. My hope is that you’ll share it with the gamers in your life, therapy practice, class, etc. And of course if you sign up to follow my Twitch channel I’d be delighted!
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Can’t We All Just Game Along?
I had a powerful reminder about the prosocial nature of video games this week, and it was nowhere near a console screen. I was on my way home and ran into a Dunkin’ Donuts, in a town I’d never been to before and was unfamiliar with. I ended up waiting in a rather lengthy line and was a bit grumpy. I happened to be wearing a T-Shirt which said this:
I hadn’t worn it for ages, and had forgotten in fact I was wearing it until the cashier called out to me, “I love your shirt.” Cue the endorphins.
“Thank you,” I said, and smiled (which thanks to state bound learning probably cued my body to produce even more endorphins.) Waiting in the line seemed much more pleasant by this point. I ordered my coffee and sandwich and while waiting for them received another compliment from a customer walking by.
The third person to compliment me was a man in his 40s, scruffy and in jeans and t-shirt. “I love that game,” he said. “I haven’t played it in a while though.”
By now I was in a mood that allowed me to initiate conversations, so I asked “What are you playing nowadays.”
He proceeded to tell me that his 14 year-old daughter had gotten him into Fortnite. She had enjoyed it initially for the crafting, he said, because she really enjoyed Minecraft; but now that they were playing together she was enjoying the combat as well. His face lit up as he recounted how much fun they were having together. I told him about a study that had been done by Brigham Young that indicated increased levels of protective factors against depression. He smiled at that, and we both went on our way.
We spend so much time debating the neurological impact of playing video games that we often lose sight of another dimension; that of talking about playing video games. Talking about arts and culture is a powerful social adhesive. It identifies commonalities, allows for compliments and increased levels of engagement with others, allows us to recall exciting moments and share them. All of these activities in turn facilitate attachment, and increase a sense of well-being on the neurological level. That was the best line I’ve waited in a ages!
We need to find a way to get that message to Salty Sally the Social Worker and Morose Martin the Mental Health Counselor, whose eyes grow dull at the mention of gaming when their patients bring it up. “How much time are you playing Candy Crush?” they say, in uninviting tones, and eye such T-shirts as a clear sign of video game addiction. The next patient, who comes in with a T-Shirt of Monet’s “Water Lilies,” will get a compliment on it and no such screening for an Impressionist Art Addiction. In fact, the WHO didn’t include Art Disorder this go round at all, unless you include the art form of the video game.
In this current political climate, where we are so polarized, I wonder how many bridges (Minecraft or other) might be built if we paused to ask strangers in line if they play any games? I imagine Republicans, Democrats and Independents alike play something.
If Teams Valor, Instinct, and Mystic can all get along together raiding in Pokemon Go, perhaps we can too..
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The Crisis Behind Crises
So far in 2018 alone, I have worked nationwide with the aftermath of one homicide/suicide in a video game server community; one threat issued over another; and 3 new requests for consultations from clinicians on how to improve their work with families and individuals related to online technology. Schools are now fielding multiple incidents of threatening language in chat rooms that get brought to their attention, and not necessarily handling them well. Multiple arraignments in district courts are pending because someone expressed violent language on gaming servers that was deemed threatening. Youth are ending up on probation for this.
I know, you’re probably thinking that I’m about to blame the technology, the erosion of family values, the rise of violence or some other social ill. I’m not. As I reflect over several of these cases, the common symptom I see is not mental illness or family dysfunction, but a crisis in digital literacy.
What all of these cases have in common is that before they got to the emergent stage, there were several opportunities for kids to solve their own problems; for educators to teach; for parents to engage or for therapists to help; if they’d seen the opportunities and had some education in digital literacy. Too often we see the end result of our dismissing or demonizing tech use. “Just leave the server, or Facebook,” we say, unintentionally further isolating kids. “You need to stop playing so many video games,” we opine, citing sketchy research to take away the one thing a person may experience some competency doing.
As a therapist and educator who has worked for the past twenty-five years with emerging technologies in mental health, I have been helping schools, clinics and workplaces identify vulnerabilities before, during and after crises. I assure you that before is the most useful and least utilized. I’m hoping you and your administrators will consider doing this differently. I have started offering custom educational offerings on Healthy Boundaries in the Digital Age, and you can find out more about it here. I’m still doing my other presentations as well.
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Mindfulness, Minecraft & The I Ching
Video Games can be a form of mindfulness meditation, both playing and watching them. The Grokcraft Staff take you on a meditative creative session as we begin to build our I Ching Sculpture Park. Watch, listen, and enjoy..
For more info on joining the Grokcraft project, go to http://grokcraft.com . We are launching Grokcraft with an introductory subscription of $9.99 a month, & subscribers who join now will be locked in at that rate for as long as they are subscribed. If any of this appeals to you, please check out our new site at http://grokcraft.com & please spread the word to anyone you think might find this resource useful!
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Evocation and Mindfulness: Or, How to Think Better
Like other art forms, video games can be both a mirror and a candle held up to our culture, at times reflecting it and at times revealing things about it. Normally I direct my posts primarily at people: therapists, gamers, educators, parents. But today I want to include the company that produces World of Warcraft as well. We have a crisis regarding thinking, and although I don’t think WoW created it at all, it has reflected it in a recent game mechanic change.
I am referring to a change mages that happened recently, where the spell Evocation was replaced by Rune of Power. For people not familiar with the game, here’s a simple explanation. Mages cast spells, but spells require an energy called mana, which gets used up gradually as you cast spells. How much mana you start with depends on your character’s intellect, and once you have used up your mana, you can’t cast any more spells until it is replenished. To replenish it you can either wait and it will gradually return (not the greatest idea in combat,) or eat and drink (not possible while you are in combat.) Or you could in the older days cast Evocation, which meant you stood in place as the spell was going, gain 15% of your total mana instantly and another 45% of your total mana over 6 sec. Move or get attacked, and the spell broke.
This recently was replaced with Rune of Power, which places a rune on the ground, which lasts for 1 min. While standing within 5 yds of it, your mana regeneration is increased by 75% and your spell damage is increased by 15%. You have to keep remembering to replace it every minute, but that’s not the problem. It may even be an easier game mechanic, but that’s not the problem either. My problem with it is how it reflects our dysfunctional attitude about thinking, and specifically our tendency to think of thinking as separate from doing something.
We live in a culture where people frequently worry about things, and in fact have ruminations that are intrusive. Many people report feeling hijacked by their minds with worrying or intrusive thoughts. And yet at the same time, few of us seem to mark our time and set it aside specifically for thinking. We schedule appointments to do things, but thinking isn’t one of them. We treat thinking, which is intangible, as if it can occur in the same space as doing other activities that are more observable and tangible. And then we are surprised when our minds rebel and hijack our thinking with thoughts and feelings that come unbidden, when all along we have been failing to cultivate the practice of intentional, mindful thinking about things.
This is where I think Blizzard and Wow initially had it right with Evocation. It was acknowledging an important truth, that Thinking IS doing something, and when done intentionally it occupies time and has benefits. Sure you weren’t able to do other things while casting Evocation, but isn’t that the point? In the real world, when you want to think deeply and seriously about something, you really do need to be intentional about it, and make a space in your day to do it. Rune of power definitely embraces the multitasking model, which encourages you to set up a rune and then go about your other business while keeping half an eye on it to know when to refresh. Multitasking is not inherently a bad thing, but there are times and places that intentional thinking may be more appropriate and less anxiety-provoking.
Part of helping patients learn to manage worrying is often to help them set up a specific time for worrying about things. This “worry time” can be a placeholder in the day or week which the patient uses when an intrusive worry enters into their thinking: They can dismiss it by deciding to put that on the agenda for the scheduled worry time. This is a way of training your mind to be intentional about what you choose to think about and when. But implicit in this is the idea that training your mind to think about things intentionally is a learned skill.
You can apply this to many different aspects of your life and work. If you are growing your private practice, when was the last time you set aside an hour to think deeply about your business plan or clinical focus. I’m not talking about daydreaming here, I’m talking about sustained intentional thought. Clinically, do you set aside supervision time to think deeply about patients? As students do you take 15 minutes after each article to think specifically about the reading? As parents, when was the last time you said to your co-parent, let’s make a time to think together about how our child is doing in life at home and school. Classroom teachers, when was the last time you asked students to take 5 minutes and think quietly about the classroom topic?
Another challenge here is the confusion of tongues around the concept of thinking. Self-help gurus often exhort us to stop thinking about things and JUST DO IT. But I don’t think they are talking about intentional thinking, I think they are talking about reactive or intrusive thinking. Procrastination is reactive thinking, worrying can be intrusive thinking. Those are often roadblocks to success, but the form of thinking I have been referring to is perhaps better described as a form of concentration meditation. Concentration meditation has come to be seen by many of us as concentrating on an image, or a candle, or chanting, or a revered object, but that is not necessarily the case, and in fact it is limiting.
What if your idea is the revered object? What if your thought process about your work, child, patient, class is worthy of your undivided attention? What if you were to schedule a specific time to think about a certain project?
If you are one of those detractors who say, “I just don’t have time to think,” I don’t buy it. Thinking time is not a luxury item, although it may be a learned discipline to set aside a few minutes at a time to do it. So please take a second and schedule a time on your calendar to think about an idea that is important to you. Schedule a time to hold your random worries and thoughts and show up at that appointed time to seriously consider them. I suspect this will free up more mental space and time than you may imagine.
And please Blizzard, bring back Evocation. I miss it, and the important life lesson in mindfulness it has to teach us.
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Avatars & The Curated Self
If I ever meet James Cameron, I hope I will remember to ask him if it was a coincidence that he chose to the make the aliens blue. His movie, Avatar, garnered 3 Academy Awards for it’s epic tale of humanity’s encounter with the Na’Vi, largely through the creation of avatars, body forms that humans beam their consciousness into so they can mingle and fraternize with the locals.
The concept of the avatar comes originally from Hinduism, and refers to the concept of a God or Supreme Being deliberately descending to earth in a manifest form. One of the most popular gods for doing this is Vishnu, also blue. The concept of avatar in Hinduism is more complicated than this, but the piece of it that pertains to this post is the general concept of the attempt of a supreme being to incarnate part of itself to enter the world. There is an inherent diminution or derivative quality to it.
If you are more familiar with video games than Hinduism, you are probably more familiar with the concept of an avatar meaning the graphical representation of the player’s character in the game. When we play Pac-Man, our avatar manifests in the video game as a little yellow circle with a mouth that races around gobbling dots. Over the decades games and graphics have become capable of more sophisticated avatars ranging from the Viking-like Nords of Skyrim to the soldiers of Call Of Duty. As these video game worlds proliferate, players descend into them with avatars of many shapes, sizes and species. Some games, like Eve Online, allow you to customize the features of your avatar extensively; others allow you to pick from a limited number. We are always diminished by the process of taking on an avatar. Even if the powers an avatar has in the video game world are immense, it is derivative of the complexity of being human.
What is interesting is that most of us use avatars every day online, we just never realize it. Video games are just one form of social media, and avatars abound in all of them. The graphic may be as simple as our picture next to a blog post or comment, or a video on Youtube. But in the 21st century most of us are digital citizens and use one form of avatar or another. Some people in the world will only ever know us through our avatar in a video game or Second Life. And yet we know something of each other.
I think more and more of us are becoming aware of the connection between the avatar and the curated self, the aspects of our psychological self we choose to represent online. The curated self is the part of ourselves we have some ability to shape, by what we disclose, what graphics we choose, and how we respond to others. Like an avatar, the curated self at its best is deliberate. I say at its best, because although the curated self is in our care, we can also be careless with it.
Recently I posted a video of myself on my YouTube channel entitled “Should Therapists & Social Workers Post Videos Of Themselves On YouTube?” In making the video I chose to wear a bike helmet, and by the end of the post was using the bike helmet as an example of the risks we take when we opt to attempt innovation of our curated self. The video was designed to inspire critical discussion and thinking, and it did just that. In some groups where it appeared people described the video and points it was illustrating as “brilliant.” Other groups interpreted it as an instructional video on how to advertise your therapy practice and lambasted it. There was a myriad of responses, and I’m sure even more from people who opted not to comment on it. I received a number of likes of it, and a number of dislikes.
What I think is important and instructional here was how people began to comment through their avatars as if they were addressing the whole person I am rather than an avatar. And they made incorrect assumptions ranging from my age to my motives. The bike helmet and my posture on the video became the target for some incredible nastiness disguised as constructive criticism. From the safety of their own avatars they hurled some invectives at who they thought I was and what they thought I was doing in front of an audience of other avatars who alternately joined in, were silent, emailed me privately to offer words of support, or publicly commented on what they saw. The irony to me was that people began to demonstrate all of the roles we encounter in “cyberbullying,” which was part of what the video also touched on. In a perhaps not surpising parallel process, we got to see and play out the sorts of dynamics that our patients and children experience all the time.
We need to remember that every avatar is a derivative of the person. It is connected enough that we have attachments and responses to it. We can feel proud or ashamed, hurt or healed through our avatars. In fact, research from Nick Yee on “The Proteus Effect” has shown that playing a game with a powerful avatar for 90 seconds can give the player increased self-confidence that persists for up to 6 hours. It stands to reason that if someone experiences their avatar as weak or socially unacceptable for a brief time there may be lasting effects as well. Behind the guy in a bike helmet is someone else. He may be a faculty member at Harvard, a sensitive fellow, a father, a student, a man who just lost his partner, a person with a criminal record, or any, all or none of these. But he is always more than the derivative of his avatar. We need to practice being mindful of this and model it as we train others to be digital citizens. It is counterproductive to sound off on cyberbullying to our children or grandchildren, when they can Google us online and see us doing it ourselves.
We also need to help our patients, their families, and colleagues understand the active role we need to take in curating ourselves online. We need to understand what may happen when we put certain things out there. For therapists this includes the dilemma of putting out a curated self that resembles what kind of work you would do, while not disclosing or conveying more than you want the world to know. The example I always use with students and consultees is how I talk about my family but never who they are in particular. This is deliberate, because it is no big disclosure that I have a family, everyone on the planet has one of sorts with the possible exception of Dolly the cloned sheep. But beyond that I curate a private self, and let folks project what they may. If we put out comments describing patients or coleagues as “screwed up,” we are also curating ourself, I suggest poorly. We need to be mindful that most groups we participate online in are open and searchable. Many of my colleagues became therapists at least in part because they didn’t want to be known and thought the best defense was a good offense (“We’re here to talk about you, not me.”) They’re used to sharing the gallows humor with the team, and think the same applies to online. I’m with Rilke on this one: “for here there is no place/that does not see you. You must change your life.”
To paraphrase Wittgenstein, “our self is everything that is the case,” not just one avatar, blog, string of emails or video; not even the composite of all of them. Nor is our curated self everything that is the case. We’re more than our Facebook likes or our Twitter following. Human beings are so much more, much more wondrous and tragic than the curated self. We descend into the Internet and are diminished, but do bring some deliberate part of ourselves along. We will only ever know hints and glimmers of ourselves and each other online. As for the rest:
“Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.” –Wittgenstein
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Bio Breaks
If you’re a therapist looking to join a group of innovative colleagues for supervision, you may want to take advantage of this. Like this post? There’s more where that came from, for only $2.99 you can buy my book. I can rant in person too, check out the Press Kit for Public Speaking info. Subscribe to the Epic Newsletter!
Minecraft & The Uncanny, Part 2
This is the second of a two part series on Minecraft. Up until now you could only read it if you bought my book, but I am posting it here to give you a sense of what the book is like. You can buy it here. More importantly, I’m hoping you will find the topic interesting enough to vote for my presentation proposal on Minecraft & Mindfulness for SXSW this year. You can do that here.
In Minecraft, nothing is present-at-hand, at least initially, until you realize that the ground you are running on or the mountain you are climbing aren’t just that, they are materials. You can dig up stone to make a furnace, then bake bricks out of clay, build a house and so on. The world gradually becomes ready-to-hand.
There is no avoiding the sense of throwness when you begin playing Minecraft. It comes with very few directions, although there is plenty of info on the web to be had. The downloadable beta allows you to play single and multi-player, with the single being a good way to practice the basic mechanics. The multiplayer version opens up a whole new vista.
The multiplayer game is hosted on individual servers all over the world, some of which you can log into for free, others for a small fee. Once logged in, the virtual world is a huge massively multiplayer sandbox, which can be a very social experience. The cooperative building in some of these worlds is incredible. My first journey to a server in France threw me into a world which included a vast underground city beneath a dome of molten lava. Players are allowed to explore the world, and at a certain distance from their neighbors mine, farm and build. Like Second Life, you can port to various places on the server, and encounter anything ranging from a Waterslide Park to a model of Hyrule, all built out of the game materials by the players.
Once in the multiplayer world, the social element of the game can become compelling. People on chat are offering to sell gold ingots, suits of armor they crafted, or tracts of land they have developed, for both in-game and out of game monies. You can have as much or as little to do with that as you like, and you can teleport to far-off corners of the map if you want to build and play in undeveloped lands.
In its simple mechanics, Minecraft allows us to glimpse the uncanny experience that I would suggest all video games have. Video games are a unique art form in that they are both interactive and aesthetic by nature. In fact they are far more stimulating and less anergic than watching television, and stimulate more regions of the brain.
Video games allow us to experience our throwness in a new world, and the animistic state of being inherent in the uncanny. We are never completely at home in the world of the game, although the game may become more familiar over time (or not, in the case of the indie game Limbo.) We are always just visiting, strangers in a strange land. But within the game world, mana and magic are also real, and our thoughts and strategies can quickly and permanently change the world.
Psychotherapy is in many ways, another sandbox game. There really is no way to win in it. The office becomes a setting for a potential space that can be shaped and altered by the patient and something new created. Psychotherapy is also an uncanny space, one that resembles the world outside the office and yet does not. It is a place for “everything that ought to have remained … secret and hidden but has come to light.” Within that space, the patient experiences hauntings by ghostly relationships from the past, encounters the internal monsters of the drives, and explores the wishes behind their secret injurious powers. Unexplored and avoided, these have calcified into symptoms, and the anxious, exciting, process of therapy helps the patient break down that calcification for a more flexible psyche.
Any child or gamer knows that play is a serious and dangerous business. There is always the risk of annihilation, and no place worth going to doesn’t have its hazards. But there are great treasures to be found in the game. Further, the emotional and intellectual changes encountered within the game can then be taken out of it into the daily life of the gamer. This is one of the reasons that video games are so compelling. Why else would people spend hours making houses out of pixel bricks?
Both psychotherapy and video games create very real thought and feeling states in people, and that is part of their curative power. In this book I hope I have shown that they can restore a sense of purpose and achievement that our patients have lost. I have discussed how they can help people stay connected with others over great distances in times of duress, help us feel the sense of achievement necessary to learn and change behaviors, and explore aspects of their personalities that may be less easily seen or developed in their daily lives. I have also explored how we can use the experience and metaphors from video games with patients to help them understand ego defenses, communication patterns and strategies that impact their relationships, and apply game mechanics to their lives to change them. I have tried to discuss the stigmatization of gamers and technology in terms of diversity, in particular social class. Finally, I hope I have shown how therapists can apply the principles from video games and gamification to impact both their clinical work and business skills.
All of this pales in comparison to doing the actual work, and by this I mean two things. The first and most obvious one is the practice of psychotherapy. Theory is a necessary but insufficient precursor to clinical practice and healing. The second piece of actual work will be for the therapist to begin playing some video games. Reading is not the same as doing, and it is only by entering the uncanny and enriching world of the video game that therapists can hope to truly understand them. Never has play been more important in our work, and never has understanding video games been more urgent in healing the world. To do so we need to rethink our attitudes and reconsider our biases towards gaming and technology.
It’s time to reset.
Gamer Therapist is on vacation, so we’ll see you in two weeks! In the meantime, please vote for our minecraft panel at SXSW!
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Tower Defense & Executive Functioning
Some of the most important tasks the human brain performs are known as the executive functions. According to the National Center for Learning Disabilities, executive function is “a set of mental processes that helps connect past experience with present action. People use it to perform activities such as planning, organizing, strategizing, paying attention to and remembering details, and managing time and space.” As such, the executive functions are crucial to the learning process over the life cycle.
Like many phenomenon in mental health, executive functions were focused on initially in regards to populations that had some deficits in them. With the advent and prevalence of the diagnosis of ADHD, as well as the study of learning and learning disabilities, educators and therapists began to become familiar with a concept that had previously been of most interest to neuroscientists. We still tend to think of executive functioning from a pathology-based approach, only paying attention to how they work when they don’t work.
The truth is everyone has executive functions, which are a combination of nature and nurture, and can develop well into adulthood. They can also deteriorate for a variety of reasons, from traumatic brain injury to Alzheimer’s disease. And there is a body of research which suggests that mental and physical exercise can help maintain, if not improve our executive functions as we age. Not surprisingly, as the Baby Boomers age, interest and research grows in this area. At both ends of the life cycle, our focus on the executive functions are widening beyond pathology to the optimal environments for human learning. How might we get better at planning, attending, strategizing, and managing time and space?
My suggestion: Start playing more tower defense games.
Tower defense is a particular genre of video games, one which in general focuses on on preventing the progress of an enemy army across a map. This is done by the use of towers which have varying abilities, costs to build, and points earned from downing enemies. You don’t necessarily need to have towers in the game: Plants Vs. Zombies for example is an example of a tower defense game where the plants are the equivalent of towers, with special abilities used to defend against the march of those pesky undead across the lawn.
More recently I have been fascinated with one of the latest iterations of tower defense games on the iPad, Kingdom Rush. You start out with a variety of maps and coins for building. You can use one of 4 basic tower types. There are barracks which have soldiers who can fight and slow down the invaders. There are artillery towers which drop bobs for an area wide (AOE) damage. There are marksman towers which target individuals and fire arrows or guns. Finally, there are magician towers with wizards firing spells of various types.
Each invading monster has different strengths and vulnerabilities, which are discovered by trying out different towers and noting their effects. As the invading army is always moving forward in waves, the time element requires you to plan which towers to build first, where to place them, and what upgrades to focus on. To do this requires a tremendous amount of strategy, organization and time management. You also need to make decisions, including how long to delay gratification. The more powerful towers require you to save up many more coins to buy them. Upgrades that you can select from a talent tree add another layer of choice and complexity.
In short, to succeed in Kingdom Rush you need to have good executive functions. It isn’t enough to have good hand/eye coordination or reaction time. You need to be able to learn from your past experiences, and often switch strategies midway through the game. You need to recall which towers are best for different situations and monsters. There is a map to be managed in space and a marching army and builders to manage in time. You need to recognize both immediate feedback and notice trends. And there are multiple towers and units to keep track of.
The more I play Kingdom Rush, the more struck I am by how many if not all of my executive functions are required to succeed. I can see where using this game could be both a useful assessment tool and intervention for deficits in EF. It also has reminded me how necessary executive functions are in terms of managing money as well. The ability to recall prices, to budget and pace spending, and set up investments that accrue value over time–all these economic experiences are embodied in the game.
Speaking of economy, you can try this game for free if you have a computer in your office or classroom here. And you can buy it for a whopping $2.99 for your iPad. Check it out, and see if you agree that it might be a fun, feedback rich way to challenge your executive functions.
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Unplanned Obsolescence: Rethinking Play Therapy
Recently I ordered a copy of Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, which I plan to try this week. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am not easily interested by first-person shooters, but as a gamer-affirmative therapist I can’t let my low interest get in the way of educating myself.
I once calculated that by a conservative estimate I had played approximately 27,000 games of Uno in my decade working in a public school as a clinical social worker. I drove around with a ton of board games and a sand tray as well. I had learned the value of play therapy at the first placement I ever had as an intern, from Winnicott’s squiggle game to the infamous Talking, Feeling, Doing Game. This is all a roundabout way of establishing my “street cred” for valuing play therapy.
Back then, I would go home from work, and many times play Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask on the Nintendo 64. My roommate at the time liked to hang out with me while I played and we chatted about life, education (he was a teacher) and politics. He also liked to imitate the fairy guide in the game, and would often cry out, “Listen!” and offer a couple of tips.
In all those years, it never occurred to me that I could have played those games at school if I’d had an office (and some years I did) or that there was a disconnect between what I was doing with the students (card playing) and what they were talking about (Nintendo, XBox, Playstation.) I could hold a conversation with them about these things because I played them in my spare time, but the idea of playing them with my students didn’t register as, well, therapeutic.
I am not alone in this. Many if not most play therapists are not inclined to play video games with their patients, and it is time to rethink this. When 97% of the boys and 94% of the girls we work with play video games, it is no longer an outlier. But there are a few fallacies which I think get in the way of play therapists integrating play therapy into the 21st century.
One I hear frequently is that video games don’t require imagination, or offer projections to explore. But I think this is contempt prior to investigation for the most part. The proliferation of video games is itself the best evidence that there is imagination going into each generation of games, which are produced by imaginative people who must have been able to develop their imagination in part through video games. And we don’t start each session making our children build their own dolls and dollhouse from scratch. We use available tools that do to an extent always structure and limit the imagination. For example, why does the dollhouse have a pointy roof and two floors? This is limiting, and in fact didn’t represent 90% of the urban population I worked with at all. And few play therapists would avoid using Elmo puppets on the grounds that it limits the imagination of the child, even though Elmo is clearly an icon of popular culture.
In fact, play has often had its inception in the popular culture of the time. We may take chess for granted now, but when it came into being it was a reflection of a medieval monarchy, with kings, queens, and bishops. Yet play therapists often fall prey to nostalgia, if not luddism, and maintain that there are certain games and play that are relational and therapeutic, and others, usually the modern ones, are not.
This brings me to what I suspect is another reason we resist using video games in play therapy, which is the therapist’s fear of being incompetent or failing at the unfamiliar. Years of training in a traditional educational model have taught us to silo down in our area of “expertise” as soon as we can. We “major” in psychology or social work, go to graduate school for advanced specialization, and basically get to a point where we can work in a routine and structured environment. For years we get in the habit of certain forms of play therapy: Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, cards, chess, dollhouses and telephones. These are easy and portable, but more importantly perhaps, we know how to play them, so we can not be “distracted” by the game, or lose by design if we want to build the kids self-esteem, and otherwise feel in control of the play situation.
It’s time we work through this resistance. People can and do have conversations while they play video games, and video games are in themselves social media. There are plenty of metaphors to explore in and after video gameplay. Angry Birds is rife with themes of anger, different abilities, and protecting the innocent and defenseless. Call of Duty can give rise to expression of competition, drives, and the hunger for destruction or cooperation. And a recent (to me) favorite, Demon Souls, is a tone poem on isolation, yearning to connect, and persistence in the face of despair.
I’m sure I’ll get comments arguing that video games are inherently violent as well. To which I would respond, just like Battleship and the card game War are inherently violent. We have become insulated to the violence in them, and it may not have the graphic sophistication of video games. But the next time you play Battleship ask yourself what you think happened to all the people on the battleships that sunk? The game doesn’t come with little lifeboats, you’re drowning people. Play therapy does not avoid violence in its expression.
Virginia Axline, one of the founders of modern play therapy, had 8 guiding principles for play therapists:
- The therapist must develop a warm, friendly relationship with the child, in which good rapport is established as soon as possible.
- The therapist accepts the child exactly as he is.
- The therapist establishes a feeling of permissiveness in the relationship so that the child feels free to express his feelings completely.
- The therapist is alert to recognise the feelings the child is expressing and reflects those feelings back to him in such a manner that he gains insight into his behaviour.
- The therapist maintains a deep respect for the child’s ability to resolve his own problems if given an opportunity to do so. The responsibility to make choices and to institute changes is the child’s.
- The therapist does not attempt to direct the child’s actions or conversation in any manner. The child leads the way; the therapist follows.
- The therapist does not attempt to hurry the therapy along. It is a gradual process and is recognised as such by the therapist.
- The therapist establishes only those limitations that are necessary to anchor the therapy to the world of reality and to make the child aware of his responsibility in the relationship.
Nowhere in there does it say, the therapist sticks with the tried and true games s/he grew up with. To my colleagues who are ready to decry the death of the imagination and lesser play of video games, I think Axline said it best: “The child leads the way: the therapist follows.”
Following in the 21st century means having Gameboys and Playstations in our repertoire. If we don’t keep learning and using technology in our play therapy, we may find ourselves in a state of unplanned obsolesence. Am I saying we should stop playing Jenga and Uno? No. But if our patients are looking for video games amongst the chess sets and dollhouses, perhaps they are telling us something we need to pay attention to. Just because we don’t know how to play a game doesn’t exempt us from learning it. And what a gift it can be for an adolescent to experience themselves as more competent and talented by an adult! So many of them come to us having been labeled as “failed learners,” and we have the potential to help them experience themselves as successful teachers, of us.
Those of us working in agencies and schools need to resist the temptation whenever possible to use the excuse of needing to be mobile or budgetary constraints. Video games are now as portable as a Nintendo DS PSVita or Smartphone. And the price of a video game system is not so prohibitive as to be a given. The real reason we often don’t advocate for video games at the agency or school is our own bias that they are somehow less valuable as therapeutic play media.
I anticipate that this will meet with resounding criticisms from the “play-is-going-to-hell-in-a-hand-basket” crowd, but I’m really interested in hearing from colleagues who have managed to successfully integrate video games into their play therapy. What are your success stories? What have been some challenges you’ve had to overcome? Do you schedule online play sessions? How do you manage the noise in an office suite? I’m really interested in your experiences.
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Harriet At Forty-Eight
If you never read the novel Harriet the Spy, I hope you will ASAP. My hope is that most children, parents and therapists have had a chance to read it already, because it has a lot to teach us about digital citizenship. You can get it on Amazon here.
Harriet spends a lot of time writing down things in her notebook. Truthful things. Unflattering things. And one day the notebook falls into the hands of her classmates, who read these things, and respond to her with anger. What I find interesting is the way Harriet’s friends, teachers, and parents respond. Their initial response is to take, or try to take, Harriet’s notebook. Of course Harriet gets another one. That’s not the problem.
Harriet the Spy was published in 1964. According to Wikipedia, at least one variation of the technology of the notebook had been around since 1888, and there are examples of its common usage in the early 1900s. This technology was prevalent long before the 1960s. No one says to Harriet that she has a “notebook addiction,” although her usage of it becomes problematic. In fact, her redemption in the book also comes from the same technology of the written word.
One of my favorite moments in Harriet the Spy comes in Chapter 14, when Harriet has her initial appointment with a psychiatrist. As they settle down to play a game, the psychiatrist takes out his analytic pad:
Harriet stared at the notebook. “What’s that?”
“A notebook.”
“I KNOW that,” she shouted.
I just take a few notes now and then. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Depends on what they are.”
“What do you mean?”
“Are they mean, nasty notes, or just ordinary notes?”
“Why?”
“Well, I just thought I’d warn you. Nasty ones are pretty hard to get by these days.”
“Oh I see what you mean. Thank you for the advice. No, they’re quite ordinary notes.”
“Nobody ever takes it away from you, I bet, do they?”
This vignette illustrates how the clinician is not above or apart from technology. Harriet’s psychiatrist uses it himself. And his response to her struggle and worry about using technology is an approach I’ve come to see as key: He doesn’t try to restrict her from using the technology, he engages her around its use and thinking about its use. He actually gives her a notebook, and then respects her usage of it when he lets her leave the office without taking it back or asking to see it.
He then recommends that her parents talk to the school about allowing her to use technology to amplify her thoughts and expression there, via the school newspaper. He also suggests that they use technology in the form of a letter written by Harriet’s old nanny to give her some advice and connection. Many will say that Ole Golly’s letter is the pivot point for Harriet in the story, but I’d suggest that the pivotal moment comes when the mental health practitioner doesn’t demonize technology (the notebook) or pathologize its usage, but rather leans on technology as an avenue into the patient’s forward edge transference.
Technology, as Howard Rheingold reminds us, is a mind amplifier. It can be used to amplify our memory in the form of notes, for example. It can also be a voice amplifier, for better or for worse.
If Harriet was around today, I imagine she would be on LiveJournal, perhaps with her settings on private, but on LiveJournal nevertheless. In fact, her LiveJournal notebook would probably be more secure than a notebook carried around on her person without encryption. But maybe she’d also be on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. And unless she had parents or teachers who talked to her about digital literacy, she might not know or care about privacy settings or mindful use of technology.
Every day, on Facebook or Twitter or other social media, people young and old post, and “drop their notebook” to be read by hundreds or thousands of people, who can amplify the notebook even further by liking, pasting, sharing or tweeting it. By comparison, Harriet’s class of 10-15 students seems paltry. When an adolescent complains about her ADHD medication on her status, or when a parent tweets how proud he is of his Asperger’s child, these nuggets of information, of expression, of identity formation are sent out into the world and amplified. Our work as therapists needs to be to help our patients understand the significance of what they are about to do to themselves and others when that happens. And to do that we need to understand the technology ourselves.
Few of us would consider giving Harriet a notebook as “feeding her addiction,” or giving her a hair of the dog that bit her. Yet, we level such technophobic claims on the social media and technology of our time, trying to focus on technology as an addictive substance rather than as a tool, and pathologizing its use far too quickly and easily. And we often join technophobia with adultism, when we try to intrude or control the use of technology by children and adolescents (note that I said “often,” not “always”)
When you look at some of the stories Harriet prints in the school newspaper, you have to marvel at the bravery of the educators in that school! How many of school administrators would allow entries like “JACK PETERS (LAURA PETER’S FATHER) WAS STONED OUT OF HIS MIND AT THE PETERS’ PARTY LAST SATURDAY NIGHT. MILLY ANDREWS (CARRIE ANDREWS’ MOTHER) JUST SMILED AT HIM LIKE AN IDIOT.” Can you imagine the parental phone calls, even though the parents were both the behavioral and quoted source for this story? Can you imagine kids being allowed to experience communication and learning with this minimal form of adult curation? But also, can you imagine parents saying that the problem is allowing access to the technology of writing a newspaper, and that the idea of a school paper should be abolished?
When you think about it, we live in an amazing era of the amplification of human thought and expression. Our children will need to learn how to manage that amplification in a way we still struggle to understand ourselves. I remember one notebook I dropped, when I was managing a staff of guidance counselors. I was very frustrated with the response of one of them to something, and wanted to share that with my supervisor. I thought it would be important to share my emotional response to this with someone I understood to have the role of helping me sort this stuff out, and I was being impulsive and cranky. I ended up sending the email to the staff instead. Boy, did that torpedo those relationships. But I did learn a lot about how to pay more attention to the power of technology, and that part of being a good digital citizen requires thoughtful use of ampliying your words and ideas!
Most of us probably have a notebook-we-dropped story we’d rather forget, but we need to remember them and share those stories with the up and coming generations as cautionary tales, and examples of good and poor digital citizenship. Ole Golly tells us, “Remember that writing is to put love in the world, not to use against your friends.” Writing, a technology we have come to understand a bit better since Gutenberg, can be used for good or ill; but we don’t ban it. Now we are all learning, albeit uncomfortably at times, how to handle the newer technologies of social media, digital communication, and video games. It may be a bit utopian to suggest that texting/tweeting/gaming/Facebook/blogging is to put love in the world. But the alternative seems to be that while some of us ignore, avoid or fear it, other people, governments and corporations will learn how to use it against our friends.
Embedded in Harriet the Spy is a quote from Lewis Carroll, which aptly describes where we find ourselves in the 21st century of social media: “‘The time has come,’ the Walrus said,/’To talk of many things:” Indeed, the chatter can be deafening, impulsive, hurtful and confusing. But the solution is to choose our words carefully, not to stop talking altogether.
Like this post? If you are interested in joining my upcoming online supervision group for therapists, please email me. There’s more where that came from, for only $2.99 you can buy my book. I can rant in person too, check out the Press Kit for Public Speaking info.
Attention, Distraction & Creepers, Oh My!
How To Get An Epic Supervisor
Education shapes our expectations of life and work, and education as it stands currently always involves giving up some degree of personal power. When we’re in elementary school we need to ask permission to leave to use the bathroom. In high school we need to show up at times diametrically opposed to our circadian rhythms. At college we have required course to complete our degree. And in graduate programs for clinical psychotherapy we often have limited to no control over who our supervisor is going to be.
And then when we graduate, we take our cue from licensure boards to a large extent. Sadly, license requirements shape our expectations of supervision. We see it as something we have to have in order to get our license in X number of years. I have noticed that there is a sharp decline in people buying supervision after they get their independent licensure, which does not mean that there is a correlative decline in our people needing it.
So today I want to talk about how to pick a good supervisor for you to have ongoing clinical supervision. If you are still in pre-independent licensure this can be an especially daunting experience, but also an incredibly freeing one. To be clear, you don’t have to purchase private supervision from anyone you don’t want to work with! Read on for some tips:
1. You often get (or don’t get) what you pay for (or don’t pay for.)
If your agency offers you a good supervisory package for free that is great. One place I supervise at provides employees and interns with a free secondary supervisor. Secondary supervisors are the ones who can usually help you most with integrating theory and practice and discussing difficult cases. Most primary supervisors I know may have good skills and an interest in doing the same, but they don’t have the time. Their role has become reduced in the age of managed care to helping you learn the ropes about paperwork, facilitating your first emergency room or child protective referrals, and being held responsible for holding you responsible for productivity. So although these hours count towards your licensure they don’t necessarily deepen your practice for lack of time, not skill.
So now you have some choices. You can take a fellowship or position at an agency that provides secondary supervision, or you can buy it privately. Don’t get caught in thinking it is an entitlement, because those days are gone. Yes, we’re underpaid as a profession, but I suggest you think of good supervision as a benefit valued at between $7200-$9600. If Agency A offers that, but pays less $5,000 less than Agency B, which doesn’t, you are getting a better deal at Agency A.
2. You may already have met your supervisor, but don’t know it yet
If you are one of the many folks who decides to buy supervision privately, take some time to think about the people you’ve worked with already. Did you enjoyworking with your first year placement’s supervisor? Call and ask her if she offers private supervision. Did you love a certain course in grad school? Call and ask him if he does supervision. If they don’t, ask if there are any people they can suggest. Think back to guest lecturers, colleagues you enjoyed working with, that alum you met at an event.
3. Do your research
In this day and age, everyone should have a LinkedIn profile (more on that in a bit.) Mine includes several recommendations from past or present supervisees. Make sure you Google your potential supervisor prior to making an appointment. Yes, Ms. Jones may have her licensure, but if you are interested in providing LGBT-affirmative therapy and she works at the local conversion treatment center, wouldn’t you like to know that before wasting both of your time?
When you contact a potential supervisor, hopefully they will offer to provide you with a reference of another past or present supervisee. If they don’t, ask.
Some of the old guard psychodynamic folks may object, saying that that contaminates your supervisory experience. To which I say, there will be plenty of transference that comes up regardless, and that the focus of supervisors should be on practicing radical transparency, not generating a absolutely blank screen. Supervision often resonates with therapy, but it is NOT therapy. If a supervisor comes off as seeming like a Freudbot, this may indicate a difficulty shifting cognitive frame sets from supervisor to therapist.
4. Know what is important to you
You can learn something from everyone, I truly believe that. However, when I look for a supervisor, I look for someone who provides psychodynamic-oriented supervision. That’s what I do, what I like, and why I became a therapist. If you are a solution-focused or CBT practitioner, get someone who is expert and experienced in that.
If someone says they are “eclectic,” run away. Far far away. If they can’t describe some of the several areas of their interest or competence to you, chances are they are being either vague or seductive. Yes, I said seductive. Supervision is a business prospect, and many people focus on landing a new supervisee to the detriment of both of them.
5. Beware of freebies, private supervision starts with the fee
I’m going out on a limb here, but I strongly discourage freebies. My Contact page warns away the brainpickers. These are the people who want to get something for nothing, and say, can “I just pick your brain for a second?”
No, you may not.
There is a lot of free content I’ve put out there that people have access to, but this is also my work and I need to be paid for it. So if you have done your research, hopefully potential supervisors will have papers published, posts online, lectures, recommendations. If not, please see item 6.
I have strong opinions about this, because I think it shows potential supervisees how to have professional boundaries and value their work. If you are doing supervision to “give back” at a reduced fee, that’s fine, as long as you let the supervisee know that you are reducing your fee and let them know the full fee. But be honest with yourself about this, are you doing it to gratify your self-ideal of social justice, or because you secretly believe that you aren’t worth the full fee, or some other reason?
If you are a potential supervisee, consider this: Do you need someone to help you learn to be a more noble person, a better clinician, and/or a more savvy businessperson? Will having a reduced fee lower your expectations of yourself and the supervisor? And would you like to charge no higher than the reduced fee you are being offered?
If the answer to the last is no, be careful, because this may be a set-up for resentment on your supervisor’s part, and you may both suffer from unconscious false pretenses.
Speaking of fee, I walk this walk, and when I negotiated my fee with my supervisor I negotiated to pay more, because I knew that I would have a harder time later if I didn’t. We then had a great conversation about the limits of this, because obviously she gets to set her fee not I. But it caused her to re-evaluate and raise her fee somewhat, and modeled for me her integrity, flexibility, and willingness to listen and learn. And each time I raise my fee, I bring this up again, and each time the supervision is the richer for it.
6. If you want supervision around private practice, stay away from technophobes.
I strongly maintain that to have a practice in the 21st century you will need to have an online presence, some technological savvy and the willingness to learn about it to work with people from the 21st century. This is even more true in a private practice, where marketing is moving more online every day.
I once had a couple of sessions with a supervisor I was considering starting work with. This was a world reknowned clinician, whose work I respect immensely. In the time between our first and second appointment I included her on my newsletter. Our next appointment she expressed how “astonished” she was that I would contact her that way, and wondered if I was sabotaging the supervision. Fortunately I have been in many supervisions and have a strong ego. That was our last appointment.
I suppose I could have chosen to stay and explore this, but that seems more her issue than mine. I want to have a practice that focuses on Web 2.0 and psychodynamic therapy, i.e. integrating, not pathologizing them. And if those were her boundaries, fair enough. But I’m paying for a service, and I’ll take my business to my current supervisor, who is very professional, very grounded in psychodynamic theory, and subscribes to my newsletter, remarking on every issue.
7. Kick the tires
Having read this, you may be thinking, “I don’t agree,” or “that’s not what I want,” or “what a pill he is!” If so, that’s great! Because that means you have some idea what you are or aren’t looking for. Or you may be thinking, “right on!” One thing my supervisees can probably tell you is that what you read here and what you get in supervision with me are pretty much the same thing. And it seems to be working well for all concerned. You aren’t in grad school anymore, you get to pick and choose your supervisor.
It is okay to try out a few supervisors before deciding. Pay attention to those first few appointments, when you and your supervisor “relax” into the supervision a bit. Do you notice drastic changes from the first week(s)? Do you look forward to supervision, dread it, or find yourself not caring either way? Ask yourself, and your supervisor, how the supervision is starting off. If your supervisor does not bring up how to get the most value out of your supervision in the first few months, bring it up yourself.
If you are having mixed feelings about a supervisor, don’t be afraid to bring that up. But if you can’t bring it up, or choose not to, don’t feel obliged to stay. Supervision is a long, intense and valuable process. No less than your professional development is at stake. Choosing wisely begins with remembering that you have a choice.
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A Tale of Two Conferences
Many consultees ask me how to get speaking engagements, and certainly that’s an important question. But this is also not the most important question. It is akin in many ways to the conversations around the question, “How do I get a job?” The focus is often too much on how to make a good impression on the interviewer, how to present as a good fit for the workplace in question. If you are only asking those questions and wanting to be a successful entrepreneur, I suggest you are barking up the wrong tree.
Because the questions that are equally important, if not more important, are the on the surface the less humble and self-effacing ones: Do I want to work for this person interviewing me? Would I enjoy this work environment? Are these people making a good impression on me? These are the questions which come from the perspective that you are a valuable commodity, and that perspective to a large extent needs to come from within. And let me be clear, not all workplaces, even those who purport to be empowering, want you to approach them from that perspective, because it lowers their bargaining potential when money (there he goes again with the money!) questions arise.
So too with public speaking engagements. There needs to be at least a sense of mutual value, mutual ROI that has to come from the speaker and the speaking engagement. Let me give you an example:
I am doing in the next year an engagement with conference A and conference B. Conference A approached me with a request, because they had had a personal referral to me. I will be speaking to a group of several hundred people at an event where I am one of several presenters.
Conference B sent out a general call for presenters and ideas. Several years running I have been nudged by some of the folks in charge to apply to present, so this year I did. Again, the conference will have an attendance of several hundred people and I will be one of several presenters.
Neither conference A nor conference B have an honorarium, but that is acceptable to me for a couple of reasons at this point in my career. One reason is that I now allot one pro bono presentation per month. But the other reason is that there is some clear ROI in both conference A and B: I will get exposure which leads to more paid speaking engagements; I will have a venue to make my book available for sale; and I will get my pro-gaming, pro-tech message out.
So far, so good. I should add here how both Conference A and B frequently include language in their letters to me about how valuable my contribution is and how much they appreciate me. But over the past few months I have received communications from both conferences that show how different they are in their attitudinal stance towards speakers.
Conference A sends me a paper letter with the details of registration for the conference. I am given the name of a specific person who handles presenter registration, told I am welcome to attend the entire conference for free and invited to a special luncheon for presenters on the day.
Conference B sends me a registration form, offers me a discount, and lets me know that they can only “give” me free admission to my presentation.
What?
I am being given free admission to my presentation? I’m confused. Is the implication that normally I should be paying for the privilege of presenting my expertise, but as a special gift I get to work for free? And are they really asking me to pay to attend a conference that I am donating my time and expertise to?
Guess which conference I will continue to work with in upcoming years?
If you guessed Conference A, bingo! Because they have the right attitude in my opinion. Their behavior is as valuing as their words. It costs them virtually nothing to get the group of us presenters in a smaller room for lunch and call it a special lunch, and it costs them virtually nothing for them to give me free attendance to the larger conference. And by assigning a specific person to handle my registration, they have made things even easier for me. What’s more they have in a few gestures given me what Chris Brogan calls that VIP Feeling.
Conference B has done none of that for their presenters. And think of all the value they are losing! They could have all of us experts in the field adding to the conference beyond our sessions. Asking questions or making comments at other presentations, networking with others, and being a free resource to other attendees at lunch, breaks and other down times.
Here is where word and deed don’t connect. What message are you sending when you ask people to work for free and then charge them? The irony is that Conference B will probably have some organizers who don’t understand why they end up getting a bunch of “hit and run” presenters and resent our not signing up for the conference. It’s a lose-lose situation for everyone, and it comes from a poverty perspective, not an abundance one.
So if you want to be a presenter, please remember this: You’re an expert in your field, act like one. Your time is valuable and limited, and you need to set the tone for that. Finally, pay attention to how potential presenting clients treat you. After talking with them, do you feel like a VIP, or do you feel like Oliver Twist?
Some of the old guard have told me that this is the industry standard. To which I say two things:
1. If that is true, the standard is wrong and needs to be changed.
2. This is one big reason why our profession is consistently undervalued and under-appreciated: Other people take our cue.
Also, someone should tell Conference A that they aren’t keeping lockstep with the industry standard by giving speakers the VIP treatment.
Oh, never mind, I’ll tell Conference A myself: Because they’ve earned my loyalty and I hope to be a presenter and attendee for years to come.
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Not All Failure Is Epic
In gaming there is a concept known as the “Epic Fail.” Roughly translated this means, a failure so colossal, so unbelievable in its nature, that it will go down in history as epic. Epic failure can be extremely frustrating in the moment, but is almost always funny in retrospect.
Recently I was playing Dark Souls, and I was trying to down two bosses known as the Belltower Gargoyles. Just as you get one down to half health, the other, who likes to breathe fire on you, shows up. Oy. I kept getting killed, which sent me back to a save point, running back up the belltower, and trying again. What kept me going up there was that each time I was surviving a few seconds longer, and each time I was getting the gargoyle’s health down a little more. At one point I started to consistently kill the first gargoyle before the second one finished me off. Finally, through an unbelievable feat of mashing all the buttons, luck, and strategy, I beat them both.
The failure that kept happening was not what I would call Epic Failure. It was certainly what Jane McGonigal et al call fun failure though. It was failure with just enough progress mixed in that I’d say, “Oooh, you’re going to get it,” to the gargoyles and try again. And again. Fun failures in video games are designed to work that way. The game can’t be so hard that the person gives up, but can’t be so easy that you don’t feel challenged. Because if you don’t feel challenged then there is little or no sense of accomplishment.
Heinz Kohut, one of my favorite psychoanalytic thinkers, would probably have a lot to say about video games if he were alive today. Kohut knew that failure was a part of life and human development. In fact, he thought that therapy was full of failure. He talked about empathic failure, when the therapist fails to respond empathically to the patient in some way. Maybe we don’t pay attention enough to a story, or don’t remember something, or start 5 minutes late. These are all parts of the therapist being human, and therefore being unable to stay absolutely in empathic attunement with the patient. This kind of failure is inevitable.
Kohut goes on to say that it is not necessary to deliberately make mistakes and empathically fail our patients, because we are going to do so naturally in the course of our work with them. In fact, to deliberately fail our patients is rather sadistic. But usually we aren’t being sadistic when we forget something, or run late a few minutes, even though the patient may experience it that way.
So first a note to therapists here. In the course of your work with patients you are going to fail a lot. But not all failures are epic. That is not to say that your patients won’t experience it that way. That vacation you’re going on may be an epic failure on your part, as far as they are concerned. Does that mean you cancel your flight plans? Of course not. Our job is initially to help the patient by understanding by empathy the epic nature of our failure from their point of view. We try to imagine ourselves into that moment they are having.
But that doesn’t mean that we stay there. We need to maintain some perspective, have some sense of fun failure, to keep doing our work. By that I don’t mean have fun at our patient’s expense, but rather be able to be lighthearted enough in our introspection to say “Oops, I missed that one,” or “there I go again.” If we can do that we are able to then refocus on the patient. If we instead get sucked into the idea that this is an Epic Fail we will lose all perspective, and actually start focussing on ourselves rather than the patient.
Do you ever say to yourself, “I’m such a bad therapist?” I don’t. Of course, I also don’t say, “I’m such a perfect therapist” either. I do frequently think, “I was not at my best today,” or, “oooh, how come I keep missing that with patients!” This helps me keep perspective so that I can get back in the game as soon as possible.
Whether you are a therapist, a gamer or someone else who is still breathing, chances are that you are failing sometimes. In fact, this time of year with all its’ hype and expectations about being joyful and loving families can make you feel even more like a failure. Some examples of Epic Fail statements that we think consciously or unconsciously include:
- I’m a terrible parent.
- I’m a terrible daughter/son.
- I’m a terrible sex partner.
- I’m a terrible worker.
- I’m a terrible cook.
- I’m a terrible student.
and the list could go on.
If any of those sounds like you, take a moment to reflect. Is this really an Epic Fail? Or are you distorting things? Chances are you are not a perfect parent, child, worker, sex partner, student or anything else. But if you really identify this as an Epic Fail, chances are you are solidifying a form of self-identity rather than accurately appraising yourself.
Why would we do that? Well, one reason is that we learned those messages of Epic Failure as a child. You probably still remember a few failures that can make your stomach churn if you think of them. But as often, I think we grasp on to solid identities, even negative ones, so we can stop working on ourselves. I’m just X, I’m the kind of person who can’t Y, Nobody ever thinks Z about me: These all kill our curiousity about ourselves and help us stay stuck.
Mindfulness is about fun failure. It is about being able to look at ourselves and reflect on ourselves without going to extremes. Mindfulness is about being able to be curious rather than judgmental, having roominess in our minds and souls rather than rigidity. This perspective leads to “Ooooh, I’m going to get that boss down this time.” The other leads to hopelessness.
So try to remember this as the days are getting shorter and tensions may be rising: Not all Failure is Epic. And if we can be right-sized about our failures we can learn from them. We can take an interest in our thoughts, feelings and behaviors rather than judge ourselves. If we catch ourselves saying “what kind of monster I must be to hate Aunt Myrtle,” we can perhaps think, “oops, there I go again. Isn’t it odd/interesting that I feel hatred towards Aunt Myrtle, what’s THAT about?”
Eighty-five percent of the time gamers are failing. And yes some of those are Epic, but the gamer attitude is to view those Epic Failures as moments of camaraderie and learning. In life outside the game, do you treat the Epic Fail that way? Do you seek out others and try to learn from the experience, or do you isolate? There is always some observing ego in the game Epic Fail that is often lacking in our non-game life. And in some ways that is understandable, you can’t always reset in life outside video games.
But consider this: Where there is life there is hope. If this was a true Epic Fail in your life you can still learn from it in time. Failures are inevitable, but with time and perspective they can be instructive as well. In the end I’d say that whether you think you’ve had an Epic Failure or not what matters most is how you move on from it. Who knows, maybe the only real Epic Fail is the one where you give up..
Note: No real Aunt Myrtles were hated in the writing of this post.
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Dopey About Dopamine: Video Games, Drugs, & Addiction
Last week I was speaking to a colleague whose partner is a gamer. She was telling me about their visit to his mother. During the visit my colleague was speaking to his mother about how much he still enjoys playing video games. His mother expressed how concerned she had been about his playing when he was young. “It could have been worse though,” she’d said, “at least he wasn’t into drugs.”
This comparison is reminiscent of the homophobic one where the tolerant person says, “I don’t mind if you’re gay, as long as you don’t come home with a goat.” The “distinction” made actually implies that the two things are comparable. But in fact they are not.
Our culture uses the word addiction pretty frequently and casually. And gamers and opponents of gaming alike use it in reference to playing video games. Frequently we hear the comments “gaming is like a drug,” or “video games are addictive,” or “I’m addicted to Halo 3.” What muddies the waters further are the dozens of articles that talk about “proof” that video games are addictive, that they cause real changes in the brain, changes just like drugs.
We live in a positivistic age, where something is “real” if it can be shown to be biological in nature. I could argue that biology is only one way of looking at the world, but for a change I thought I’d encourage us to take a look at the idea of gaming as addictive from the point of view of biology, specifically dopamine levels in the brain.
Dopamine levels are associated with the reward center of the brain, and the heightened sense of pleasure that characterizes rewarding experiences. When we experience something pleasurable, our dopamine levels increase. It’s nature’s way of reinforcing behaviors that are often necessary for survival.
One of the frequent pieces of evidence to support video game addiction is studies like this one by Koepp et al, which was done in 1998. It monitored changes in dopamine levels from subjects who were playing a video game. The study noted that dopamine levels increased during game play “at least twofold.” Since then literature reviews and articles with an anti-gaming bias frequently and rightly state that video games can cause dopamine levels to “double” or significantly increase.
They’re absolutely right, video games have been shown to increase dopamine levels by 100% (aka doubling.)
Just like studies have shown that food and sex increase dopamine levels:
This graph shows that eating food often doubles the level of dopamine in the brain, ranging from a spike of 50% to a spike of 100% an hour after eating. Sex is even more noticeable, in that it increases dopamine levels in the brain by 200%.
So, yes, playing video games increases dopamine levels in your brain, just like eating and having sex do, albeit less. But just because something changes your dopamine levels doesn’t mean it is addictive. In fact, we’d be in big trouble if we never had increases in our dopamine levels. Why eat or reproduce when it is just as pleasurable to lie on the rock and bask in the sun?
But here’s the other thing that gets lost in the spin. Not all dopamine level increases are created equal. Let’s take a look at another chart, from the Meth Inside-Out Public Media Service Kit:
This is a case where a picture is worth a thousand words. When we read that something “doubles” it certainly sounds intense, or severe. But an increase of 100% seems rather paltry compare to 350% (cocaine) or 1200% (Meth)!
One last chart for you, again from the NIDA. This one shows the dopamine increases (the pink line) in amphetamine, cocaine, nicotine and morphine:
Of all of these, the drug morphine comes closest to a relatively “low” increase of 100%.
So my point here is twofold:
1. Lots of things, not all or most of them drugs, increase the levels of dopamine.
2. Drugs have a much more marked, sudden, and intense increase in dopamine level increase compared to video games.
Does this mean that people can’t have problem usage of video games? No. But what it does mean, in my opinion, is that we have to stop treating behaviors as if they were controlled substances. Playing video games, watching television, eating, and having sex are behaviors that can all be problematic in certain times and certain contexts. But they are not the same as ingesting drugs, they don’t cause the same level of chemical change in the brain.
And we need to acknowledge that there is a confusion of tongues where the word addiction is involved. Using it in a clinical sense is different than in a lay sense– saying “I’m hooked on meth” is not the same as saying “I’m hooked on phonics.” Therapists and gamers alike need to be more mindful of what they are saying and meaning when they say they are addicted to video games. Do they mean it is a psychological illness, a medical phenomenon? Do they mean they can’t get enough of them, or that they like them a whole lot? Do they mean it is a problem in their life, or are they parroting what someone else has said to them?
I don’t want to oversimplify addiction by reducing it to dopamine level increase. Even in the above discussion I have oversimplified these pieces of “data.” There are several factors, such as time after drug, that we didn’t compare. And there are several other changes in brain chemistry that contribute to rewarding behavior and where it goes awry. I just want to show an example of how research can be cited and misused to distort things. The study we started out with simply found that we can measure changes in brain chemistry which occur when we do certain activities. It was not designed or intended to be proof that video games are dangerous or addictive.
Saying that something changes your brain chemistry shouldn’t become the new morality. Lots of things change your brain chemistry. But as Loretta Laroche says, “a wet towel on the bed is not the same as a mugging.” We need to keep it complicated and not throw words around like “addiction” and “drug” because we want people to take us seriously or agree with us. That isn’t scientific inquiry. That’s hysteria.
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Dings & Grats
I am convinced that if more people played video games, in particular massively-multiplayer online games, the human race would become kinder and self-confident. Here’s one reason why:
In MMOs like Warcraft, you have a social chat text window that is in the lower corner of your screen, constantly streaming messages. These messages are color coated so you can identify those you want to be reading, and screen out or hide those you don’t. For example, I usually have my guild chat “on” so I can talk and listen to guildies, but I rarely have the world “Trade” chat on, because I’m not a big shopper.
As you progress through the game, you level up. And when you level up, that’s an accomplishment. So you type into guild chat: “Ding!”
Ding, reminscent of the bell on a game show, is a way of calling attention to the fact that you have accomplished something. It’s tooting your own horn. But in gaming, dinging is socially acceptable! So when you announce over chat, “Ding!” You usually get a stream of “Grats!”
Grats, you may have guessed, is short for “Congratulations!” It is the public acknowledgement in gamer culture of your achievements. And if you are in a big guild and there are a lot of people online, you will sometimes get a stream of 50 or more “Grats.” This also means that if you are logging on or only half-paying attention you will catch on that somebody just achieved something.
Since everyone goes through the same levels, everyone recalls what a sense of accomplishment they often had when they dinged, and they pay it back or forward because they know how great it felt to get those grats. What emerges is a culture where achievements are announced and mirrored, which makes for a heightened sense of community and self-esteem.
When gamer patients announce they’ve hit level 85, or downed a major boss, or rolled and won on a piece of Epic loot, I am often quick to Grats them. I also encourage some coaching clients to get better at dinging when they have hit an achievement. “I finally rented my own office, Ding!” “I have 10 new patients, Ding!” Each of these is worthy of a quick energetic announcement of accomplishment.
By now some of the naysayers are probably thinking, “How corny.” And who has time to congratulate someone for every little achievement? We’ll just end up raising a generation of narcisists who overstate every accomplishment.
Obviously I disagree. First off, you don’t have to Ding on world chat, so to speak. Who is your guild? What group of people form your supportive circle that want to know when you’ve accomplished something. Second, there is always some self-regulation when Dinging. I don’t ding every time I mine some ore or pick an herb in WoW, but when I hit level 85 you bet I Dinged.
Third, when did we get so miserly with compliments? Is it some sort of holdover from the Pilgrims and the dour work ethic? It takes a second to Ding and the same to Grats. What is lost in that second pales in comparison to the affective shift in our psyche and the change in our neurochemistry. Think about any day you went into a job you hated, and the number of decision moves you made to do it even though you didn’t want to. If that didn’t deserve a Ding as you passed a co-worker’s cubicle, I don’t know what does.
Lately I have been trying to increase my Grats as well. Whenever a colleague posts on Twitter that they published a book, or finished a course, or got their license, I try to retweet with a big “Grats!” I try to amplify their achievement, not ignore it or dismiss it. One of the great powers of social media is how it can amplify things. And one thing many of us need practice with is unlearning a depressive stance, where we only see the negative. Now I am not a positive thinker, in fact positive thinkers make me feel uncomfortable, because I think they’re a bit deluded. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t get better at noticing and acknowledging the achievements and positive contributions others make.
I’m sure you can begin to see how this is applicable to therapy. Help your couples patients practice dinging and gratsing. Work with school staff to set up a Ding and Grats system in their classroom. Can you imagine how amazing it would have felt in middle school to finish your presentation with a “Ding!” instead of “The End,” and hearing 25 voices say “Grats!”
Dinging and Gratsing are expressions of enthusiasm, and sometimes it seems to me that there is some silent war being waged on enthusiasm. We’re supposed to play it cool, be “laid back,” and never indicate we care that strongly about anything. Is that really the apathetic and guarded culture we want to pass on? Let’s get off Plymouth Rock for goodness sake, and start calling out with some enthusiasm!
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